Happy Hanukkah!

I realize that I haven't posted in months. I guess there just hasn't been much to write about. I've started doing some beading to give me a creative outlet and because I've always loved jewelry. Here is a bracelet I made for a friend's daughter. She loves the colors orange and blue and basketball. Voila!
On another crafty note I was inspired by mommy mae's blog to create a decoration for Hanukkah. This is what I ended up creating.Each night the kids will "light" a new candle by placing a felt flame on the appropriate candle. Kinda cool, eh?

Well, I have a cold, a low-grade fever and I only slept three hours last night. I still have to get supper on the table, light the menorah and give presents to the kids and husband so I will keep this short for now. I'll write more in the future.

First Day of Kindergarten

Joshua had his first day of kindergarten today. Yes, I'm okay. No, really, I didn't cry or run after the bus. However, I would like to know when they started allowing babies to attend school. Sigh, is he really five years old already? Some days I feel like it was just yesterday that I was stressing over when he'd finally master the art of rolling over and other days it feels like his infancy is a lifetime ago. Regardless, I'd just like to say here that I am so proud of the little boy he's become and I can't wait to see how he continues to develop. Nothing makes my heart sing as much as when he grabs my hand and tells me he loves me (ok, my daughter does that to me too). Anyway, I would just like to state for the record that I am so glad that I had him and his sister and I can't imagine what life would've been like if I didn't have them.

In crazy cat lady news, I pulled Ralphie and Lucy (one at a time) out of the cat room today, strapped a harness on them and took them into the backyard. It's been way too long since I've brushed them and all the cats have suffered as a result. My allergies to cats have become worse and I can't stand to be in that room for more than a few minutes at a time thanks to my eyes getting itchy and watery and my throat getting congested. Perhaps it's because that room is rarely cleaned and the dander just gets so concentrated. Regardless, I felt bad that they had been so neglected as of late so taking them outside seemed like a good idea. They loved the fresh air and the attention and I enjoyed being able to pet them without reacting. Of course, I changed my shirt once we returned inside so as not to expose Joshua to the nasty stuff. I just wish Sahara hadn't fought the harness so much as she really needed a brushing. I didn't think I could get her outside since she was thrashing around as soon as I tried to fasten the buckle.

Anyway, despite having a cold and ragweed allergies I think I'm feeling pretty good today. I'm looking forward to joining a friend for dinner tonight. I know I'll be pretty wiped out afterward but it will be worth it. Oh, and I'm going to have french fries dammit.

I don't get it. Why me? When will this end?

Dear Universe,
My apologies for adding some negative energy to you but I'm feeling really pissed and I need to vent. You or someone must really be effing me or perhaps I did some really bad things in this life or a previous life.

Regardless I'd like an explanation for some things. Why is it a person like me, who loves to travel, gets to only go on three-day trips once or twice a year and then suffers for days afterward? I'm on my third day of a sore throat, unrelieved exhaustion and on the verge of tears after a three-day-weekend trip to Boston. Of course, you set it up so that I moved away from all my friends and family so I have to travel to see anyone I care about beyond my husband and kids. Oh, and don't get me started about this stay at home mom business. You know that's always been my nightmare. Yeah, having kids is great but having a job outside of the home is what made me feel like I was productive and contributing something to this world. I defined myself with a job title and my education before I got sick. Now I'm dependent on my husband for money, companionship and help caring for the kids. Yeah, just want an independent-minded feminist wanted out of life.

So, I'd probably be alright with all of this except for one thing. When you took away my ability to work, travel, hike, and think clearly, you didn't take away my desire to do these things. Every once in awhile I say the heck with it and do something I really shouldn't. Then, bam, you hit me with the swollen glands, sore throat, fatigue and, if I'm having a really bad day, the fibromyalgia pain. Kind of like you're telling me "told you so." So, what am I supposed to do with this restless energy, the desire to achieve and to go out there and use these abilities I know I'm blessed with? What grand lesson do I need to learn to get you to grant me healing? What am I supposed to do with my life now? I've been sick for over eight years now and I keep hoping that something is going to change and that I'll see some improvement. I've tried so many different diets, supplements, healers and medications. I've been subjected to blood tests, MRIs, CAT scans and research studies. Yet, I'm still at square one.

I know that I'll never be the old me again. That's pretty clear. However, it would be nice to be like an average 38-year-old. I'm not asking to win marathons, I just want to be able to work, take care of my kids and do some activities that enrich my soul. I really don't think that's asking a lot.

In conclusion, poop pants.

Sincerely,
Sleepy Mama Cat

Paleo Diet - Success by the Numbers

I have concrete proof that the paleo diet has been beneficial to my health. In addition to losing 25 pounds since January, check out my recent blood test results:
Total cholesterol: 138
Triglycerides: 69
HDL cholesterol: 54
LDL cholesterol: 70

This is simply amazing to me because just a few years ago my total cholesterol was in the 220s and my HDL was very low. I would say this is a very positive turn around. And this is happening with a diet that is heavy in the dark turkey and chicken parts, and beef. Go figure. In addition, I was very pleased, and relieved, to see that even my levels of calcium were perfect even though I don't consume any dairy products.

Ok, so why do I still feel crappy? Other than the mysteriously high levels of cortisol my blood test results were all normal. I have my new lab slip now. I will be eager to see what the results of that round of testing reveals. I think I will wait a week or so to get the test done though as Doug is traveling next week and I'll be on my own. I don't need to stress my system during that time.

Exhausted or Hurting? Pick one.

With much trepidation I decided to try a new medication over the weekend called Nuvigil. It's made by the same company that makes Provigil - something I tried without success in 2002. However, my doctor assured me that I wouldn't have the same jolting experience that I had with Provigil and I was desperate to find a way to fight past this exhaustion and get things done again. So, on Saturday, I took the first pill. Saturday was amazing. I felt like I had energy and felt really good about life. I got a lot of shopping done, played with the kids and took the dog for a walk. To my great relief, I was able to sleep that night. I'd suffered from terrible insomnia while on Provigil so I'd been fully prepared to be awake for days on this new stuff.

When I started the new medication I read the information and it said I shouldn't have caffeine or alcohol. Now, if I'd known this I would've been tapering off of the caffeine for a few days but instead I quit it cold turkey. I suffered some nasty withdrawal symptoms like headaches and irritability but I figured it was all for the good. After all, coffee and chocolate aren't exactly part of the Paleo diet and everything I read tells me to avoid caffeine when you have CFS. So, here was my excuse to give it up. So, when the back ache developed on Sunday and spread from my neck across my shoulders I figured it was withdrawal symptoms. However, last night it woke me up at 3:30 in the a.m. The pain had moved down my back and down my legs and it hurt like nothing I've ever experienced before. This morning the pain was still here but I soldiered on - what else could I do? My husband couldn't exactly stay home from work and the kids and animals had to be cared for. It hurt to brush my hair so I hope I didn't look too scary at Joshua's OT appointment. I didn't even bother with makeup.

There could be several reasons for this pain. Our mattress is very old and sagging and provides absolutely no support. I think we're past the point where flipping and rotating it again will be futile. A second possibility is that the storms rolling in this a.m. caused a terrible fibro flare but one like I've never had so bad before. Finally, it could be the Nuvigil. According to their prescribing info one of the possible side effects is back pain. This was my suspicion, so I called my doctor who prescribed this to get her opinion. I was going to wait until my phone consult on Thursday but the pain just got too overwhelming to delay any discussion. She didn't think the Nuvigil could be the cause since she hadn't had any other patients complain about it. However, she recommended that I take a break from it for a couple of days and then try it again to see if it's the cause of the pain. I'm just pleased to know that this is something I won't have to worry about weaning myself off of.

I am feeling frustrated. Although it wasn't a 100% cure for me it did give me an extra boost of energy so that I could function. I'm still not in a place where I could be an active mommy with my kids but at least now they have clean toilets in the house and I feel like I can do a few fun things with them. Now it looks like I may have to choose between having that energy and being incapacitated with pain (Tylenol helps a little but doesn't make it go away completely), or not being in pain and just being a slug again. Please excuse the yelling. NOT FAIR!!!

In other news, as of today, I've lost 25 pounds since the beginning of January. I am so pleased with this and really feel good about how I look. I'm wearing a sheath dress to my cousin's wedding on Saturday and I won't have to worry about any wacky bulges and I won't have to sweat in control underwear. If only the weight loss had translated to a complete improvement in my health but I guess I couldn't get that lucky. Maybe now that I'm back to gluten-free I'll start feeling better. Oh, speaking of that, I have a phone consult on Thursday afternoon with the doctor who ordered those blood tests. I'll be sure to post the results of that conversation.

Off the Paleo Diet for One Week - Eek!

My CFS doctor recently sent me a lab slip to get some blood work done. I'm also supposed to get some blood work for the endocrinologist done sometime over the summer. Now seemed as good a time as any so I scheduled an appointment for this Saturday at the local lab. Today, I took the time to actually look at the doctor's lab slip and on there is a request for the Celiac disease test. Basically, it looks to see if there are any antibodies to gluten in my blood. One small problem - I haven't had any gluten except for the very rare oops since January. So, the chance of there being any antibodies in my blood, even if I do have Celiac,is pretty slim. So, what's a girl to do? Eat gluten!!! Yep, I'm going on a binge for the next four days, eating Chinese food, vegan baked goodies from Whole Foods Market and whatever else I can find! Yippee!

Of course, once I have the blood test on Saturday the gluttony must come to an end. I've lost 24 pounds since January and can fit into a size 6 dress again. I feel really good about the way I look and I do have a tad more energy during the day - not bunches of energy but a tad more. Another thing, if I feel really terrible even after just a day of this, I'm going to stop eating gluten immediately. There's no point in putting myself through hell to prove something I already know.

In other news, the honeymoon period with Daisy came to an abrupt end last week but we're starting to reach a truce of kinds and I think things are going to work out with her. Turns out that the first week we had her, she had kennel cough and a fever. So, her calm demeanor and constant sleeping was due to illness not personality. Last week, when she started feeling better after a course of antibiotics, she decided to start testing me to see who was dominant. She mounted the kids and humped them, snarled and snapped at me when I tried to take a stick away from her and refused to listen to my commands. I made my husband take her to the vet since her behavior change was so dramatic but they assured me it wasn't due to any health problems. Our whole way of doing things had to change. I'm in charge of feeding her at all times so that she sees me as vital to her life. In addition, nothing comes for free to her anymore. She has to sit on command before she gets food, let out in the yard, given a toy or even to be petted. Amazingly, this seems to have worked the proper change in her. I still don't trust her to be alone with the kids, I have to supervise constantly, but she seems to have figured out that she's at the bottom of our pecking order in this pack. Everyone is dominant to her and she seems fine with that. I can only imagine that as time goes by and we continue to work on her training she will bloom into an exceptionally wonderful dog.

I got lucky... at the shelter!

This is Daisy a lovely dog we adopted from the shelter on Friday, June 4. We were told that she's two and a half years old and that she was a Labrador Retriever possibly mixed with beagle. I took her to the vet this morning for her checkup and shots and the vet told me that this dog was 100% Labrador Retriever, not a mix. Imagine my surprise! I did not expect to find a purebred dog at the shelter. Of course, even if she was a Heinz 57 dog I would still be so happy with our find. Now, part of this personality she has may be due to being spayed just on Thursday. It's possible that some of the drugs they used are still circulating through her system. However, I really remember her being this way at the shelter when we first met her so I'm really hoping that this is just her sweet nature.

Daisy is in need of some obedience training but she is so eager to learn. She really wants to please us and does her best to understand what "sit" and "down" mean. She is crate-trained, house-trained and just wants as much love from people as she can get. Somehow though, she knows that Doug is the type of person who loves to get smothered in doggie kisses yet I don't. Although she has mouthed Doug (with a very soft touch) she hasn't even tried that on me. She doesn't seem to bark as we haven't heard her make one yet. She is very sedate and gentle around the children and tolerates all their crazy, giddy behavior. I never expected that I would find this type of personality in such a young dog and one who was in a shelter. I can honestly say that I love this dog and, although I'll always be a crazy cat lady, I'm completely nuts over this girl.

Right now we're just working on getting her to feel more comfortable with all the changes that have occurred in her life this week. She was surrendered to the shelter last Saturday (the same day we went there!), had major surgery on Thursday, was brought to a new home with new people on Friday and, then, she was hit with a ton of vaccinations on Saturday. I'm hoping that as she gets more comfortable with us, and recovers more from her surgery, the need to pee every two hours or so will get scaled back to a more normal frequency. The vet tested for diabetes and she was normal so the vet thinks she will be fine in just a few days. In the meantime, it's like having a new baby in the house - Doug and I aren't getting much sleep! However, it truly does seem worth it already. Just having a sweet dog to take for walks and to have fall asleep next to me while I stroke her head and ears is so wonderful.

What makes me happy

I have a quirky sense of home decorating. I don't have a particular style unless you'd care to call it lazy eclectic. I don't follow trends and things sometimes don't always go together. However, when I see something I like I buy it and hope it will somehow fit in.

I've been longing for a new kitchen clock ever since we bought this house almost seven years ago. I know, seven years is plenty of time to pick out a kitchen clock. However, it was never a priority. Once the kids came along decorating really took a back shelf to toys and diapers. The last couple of months I've been staring at the clock on the wall in the kitchen and hating it's existence. It was left behind by the previous owners for a good reason. It was a beige, cheap, plastic thing that would've fit into any utilitarian office environment. Given that I spend a good part of my day in the kitchen cooking and serving food, it really was bringing me down to have this ugly thing hanging over me.

I started browsing around the internet and finally found what I was looking for on www.etsy.com. If you're not familiar with this site you have to check it out! It's like going to a craft festival that's available 24/7. It's all handmade and vintage items and the prices are fairly reasonable depending on how "fine" the art is.

Here is the little piece of happiness that I found for $30:

How can I not smile when I look at this? The good part is the colors are perfect in my kitchen since, other than the boring white walls and cabinets I'm going with a blue and yellow color scheme. Now, I know that this isn't going to be everyone's cup of tea but, darn it, the clock makes me happy and that's all that matters. And that stupid beige clock is happily settled at the bottom of my garbage can.

Best Mother's Day Gift Ever

Wait, what is that sound? It's the sound of sweet silence. My husband has taken the two kids out to the grocery store and I am home all alone. I love silence and having time to myself and I'm rarely afforded the luxury of either. The silence is crucial for my being able to think, to dream and to just rediscover myself. When I'm with the kids it's all about living from one crisis to the next and just trying to keep from crying from the insanity of the everyday act of mothering. As a mother of two children five and under, I rarely have a moment to stop and reflect on my life and what's important. After the past two weeks when my husband was traveling and I was on my own here with the two kids I seriously felt like I was in trouble. I was exhausted, dizzy and shaking by the time I got both of them in bed and I didn't get the refreshing sleep I needed to wake up the next day and feel better about things.

The first thing I did after the car pulled out of the garage this afternoon was to sit outside despite the chilly wind whipping through the yard. I listened to the birds singing and watched them fly from one branch of a tree to another. I watched the swaying of those tree branches and listened to the wind shake the leaves. I just absorbed all that greenness and life appreciating the pattern of sunlight on those leaves and how amazing the green looked against the bright blue of the sky. The moment was not spoiled by the noise of any cars driving by, people or children yelling. I just had the world of nature to myself and for that I am extremely grateful. I do believe that people need that connection with nature, feeling the earth beneath us and the sun warming our skin. I know I need that to feel alive and whole. I wish I had the time to indulge in it more often.

It has been a lovely mother's day for me. My children both made and bought me wonderful gifts and cards and gave me extra hugs and kisses (those are other essential ingredients in my life's survival kit - couldn't live without my children's hugs and kisses) and my husband fixed me breakfast and took care of the dishes.

I also had a really wonderful time shopping on my own yesterday. I bought a new dress and, drum roll please, it's a size 6. YES!!!

Feeling Out of Sorts

I'm not happy. I've got so much going on, I don't even know where to start. This cast on my foot business is really messing my life up. Guess I shouldn't have gotten a stress fracture on the toe, eh? Well, I did and I have to wear this cast for another few weeks. It doesn't weigh more than a pound or two but lugging it around all day makes it feel like twenty. I think that's contributing to my feeling of fatigue. On top of that, it throws my balance off and my spine is getting out of alignment. My neck and shoulders ache as well as my hips. This constant, unrelenting ache and the pain in my toe that travels up my foot, is making me one cranky momma. In the past, a good session of EA Active would've helped elevate my mood but can't do that for awhile. So, the stress just accumulates.

I worry that I'm not resting enough for the stupid toe to heal and that I'll end up having to wear this stupid cast for even longer. As a mother of two young children I just don't have the opportunity to put my feet up and rest. I don't dare take them outside to play because if Allison ran out into the road (whose idea was it to take down the fence?) I wouldn't be able to run after her right now. So, instead they are stuck inside and they are trashing the place. Of course, they are not willing to clean up the toys so I get even crankier.

The final straw that will probably break this camel's back is that on Sunday Doug will be flying to Orlando for two weeks of work training. Yep, I will be alone in the house with two young children for two weeks. Someone help me please! Let's see what's left of my sanity when my husband returns home.

I am still sticking to the paleo diet to the best of my ability. I'm still consuming no-nos like coffee, popcorn and chocolate but I NEED them right now. I imagine I'll have to give up the popcorn or my nightly cocktail soon as due to the decrease in exercise my weight is slowly starting to creep back up again. Grrr. However, in the hopes of ending this post with somewhat of a positive spin I wanted to post a pic of my favorite paleo meal. I bake a spaghetti squash and then scrape out the strands and pile them on a plate or in a bowl. For those who have never had spaghetti squash the strands are about the thickness of capellini pasta and really don't have much flavor. I add some good paleo-friendly spaghetti sauce and some buffalo burger (much healthier for you than beef) and have some kind of green veggie on the side. Tonight it was broccoli. It is very filling, yummy, seems to take care of my craving for pasta and is very nutritious.

It's just one of those days

Quick update for any one who didn't know - I have a boot cast on my lower leg and foot since I managed to fracture my second toe thanks to EA Active. Yeah, I know, exercise is bad for health and all. However, I do miss it. I have to wear this cast for 4-6 weeks. I've only had it on four days and I'm sick of it. At least I can take it off at bedtime and for showers but the rest of the time it's heavy and makes me lurch from side to side as I have no shoes with an equivalent heel. Anyway, it's making me grumpy and irritable.

I was going to give up coffee again today but here I am drinking another cup of the crap because I feel so yucky and crave the energy. I swore yesterday that I was going to return to hard core paleo diet today meaning I had to eliminate coffee and corn from my diet again. I let myself slide a little about a month ago and around Easter even had dairy in my coffee. Yes, I felt really unhealthy from that dairy and I know my body doesn't handle it well so I won't feel too much of a loss giving that up. However, my body has grown used to the caffeine kick from the coffee and just the ritual and comfort of having a cuppa in the afternoon. Tough but I gotta give the stuff up.

By the way, forgive me if I sound like I have ADHD today. I've got a lot of things to talk about and they have nothing to do with each other.

On to the topic of motherhood. I think I suck at it. Seriously. I'm so tired all the time. I have no patience. I long for uninterrupted time to myself. I hate repeating myself. I'm achy and it hurts to do things like change diapers or get a child dressed. So, what the heck was I thinking? I seriously feel burned out and ready to jump into the car and just drive somewhere. Ah, just think, sunroof open, my music playing loudly through the speakers, sunglasses on, no looking back. I love my kids and would miss them terribly. However, the constant worrying, need to discipline and pay attention to them is very wearing on me. I'm actually looking forward to my cats' vet appointment tonight. I'm taking two cats in so I get to stay twice as long. Woo hoo! Oh, and I get to talk to grown ups and pretend that I still have a functioning brain. Sweet. Anyway, it's just that I hear myself yelling all the time and saying sarcastic things to the kids. I'm worried that my words are just as damaging to them as a spanking would be. No, I've never spanked the little imps (though I think about it a lot) but that doesn't mean I haven't scarred them in other ways (I fear) with the screaming and mean things I say. However, yesterday Joshua told me that I'm a "nice mommy." I asked him if he thought that even when I was mean and he told me that I'm always nice. Hmmmm... his allergy medicines must make him a little woozy.

I know that I totally need anger management skills and I need to get a life outside of the home. However, I am so tired by the time they're in bed I think I'd fall asleep behind the wheel if I did go anywhere. I'm going to see a rheumatologist next month to see if he can help with the chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. If he does, I'm going to put him into my will. Seriously. I'm so fed up with not being able to do anything.

One spot of good news here. Despite not exercising lately and not watching my food intake as well as normal, I managed to lose another pound over the past couple of weeks. Maybe those shorts I haven't been able to squeeze into comfortably for the past few years may just fit again. I believe that Van Halen t-shirt is definitely wearable now too. Yay!

I'm Such a Hypocrite!

We've been talking about making beef stew all week and I realized that we hadn't done it yet and we'd be traveling Saturday and Sunday. So, it was either tonight's or tomorrow night's supper. I remembered that tomorrow is Good Friday so I decided it had to be tonight. As I'm making the stew I started thinking about what I'd eat tomorrow if I was going meatless - perhaps some Lox on my salad in the a.m., tuna fish on a salad for lunch... wait a minute, why am I doing this? Why do I feel this sudden need to toe the line and not eat meat on Good Friday when I really ignore church and the Christian religion the rest of the year. I can't even call myself a "C&E Christian" because I didn't go to church last Christmas since my Mom didn't feel well and we're not planning on attending Easter services as my Mom says she'd rather spend the morning with all of us. If we had gone Doug and the kids would not have attended church with us. So, am I am hypocrite for thinking of going without meat on Good Friday? Is it just a habit for me or do I have any kind of religious conviction about it.

It brought back a memory for me of when I was a little girl - I don't remember the exact age. My Mom, Dad and I were traveling to Wilkes Barre, PA from Rochester, NY to spend the Easter weekend with my Grandparents. It was Good Friday and we stopped at a restaurant called Lum's for lunch. I ordered what I always ordered and I guess my parents weren't paying attention because they were quite surprised to see me chowing down on a hotdog and fries when the meal arrived. Sigh. That led to some discussions in the car for the remainder of the ride.

So, I'm not sure what I'm going to do tomorrow. I don't believe that eating meat is going to give me a one-way ticket to hell nor do I believe that abstaining from meat is going to save my soul. However, not eating meat could help me to reflect on the the day and what it all means to me.

In other news, now that Doug's parents have left (they were here for Allison's birthday and the first couple of days of Passover), the kids are driving me crazy. They got spoiled with attention from the grandparents and they got used to having someone at their beck and call at all times. So, it's "mommy, I need this" or "mommy, I want this" all day long and they have no patience. It doesn't matter if I'm trying to rest, juggling a laundry basket or trying to cook a meal. Whatever they want has to be attended to right then and there. Of course, I'm not able or willing to do that so they're getting cranky and yelling at me. I am so ready to sell them to the gypsies. The good news is that you're supposed to drink a lot of wine at Passover so I have something to look forward to tonight.

I blew off exercising while Doug's parents were here because I didn't feel like doing EA Active in front of them. I know, silly me. So, yesterday, I was raring to go after four days without. I did a 20-minute routine and somehow hurt my left foot. I think I strained a tendon because the top of my foot is killing me and the pain is traveling up my leg. Regardless, I won't be doing any running or jumping (and not much walking either) for awhile. So, this a.m. I did some crunches and pushups before my daughter woke up and then did some light strength training on my arms this afternoon until my son barged into the bedroom and decided to sit on the bed and watch me. It's hard to focus on form and doing it right with someone staring at you and asking "mommy, what are you doing now" every few seconds. Ugh. Do gypsies have a number I can call?

Mommy, What's A Cross?

We were eating lunch together when my son decided to spring the question "Mommy, what's a cross?" I had a bad feeling that I knew what he was asking and where this was leading but I chose to pretend innocence and ask if he meant "like something is across the road?" "No, Mommy, I mean a cross." "Well" I asked, "where did you come across this word?" "In the book at preschool." When pressed further he identified the name of the book as "The Story of Jesus." Oh, THAT book.

I happily married my husband agreeing that we would raise our children Jewish. I am Christian (kind of a Lutheran/Methodist mutt) but am not as strong in my faith and beliefs as my husband is. So, I figured, we share the same values and both believe in God how hard can it be? Well, we never discussed how exactly we were going to discuss Christianity in our house if it came up. We just wanted to emphasize Judaism and make sure that it was clear that it was the religion our kids practiced. This worked just fine until Joshua started preschool this past year. He remained fairly ignorant of even the whole Santa bit until this last Christmas. Now he has questions and I'm left squirming on my own.

I took the approach I do with all difficult questions of his. I answer him honestly but simply. I figure if he has further questions we'll take it from there. So, I told him that a cross was a symbol of the Christian religion, like the star of David is a Jewish symbol. Well that wasn't enough. He wanted to know why Jesus was on the cross. Oh boy, getting into deeper waters here. I tried explaining the crucifixion bit without getting into too many details but then he wanted to know about the resurrection and whether God was dead.

I did my best and he seemed satisfied but I don't know how much I'm up for this. By the way, I chose to explain that although Christians believe in the resurrection and all that, to other religions it's just a story and that Jesus is seen as a really good man but not like Christians see him. I also told him that Jesus is very important to Christians and his teachings are what our whole religion is based on. I also told him that God can't die since God has been here and always will be. While I'm explaining this I'm trying to makes sure I'm not selling him on Christianity. I don't want to anger Doug because I totally support him in keeping the kids focus on Judaism. I think that it would confuse them if we tried to balance the two beliefs in the house. Obviously, when they're older they have the option of choosing their own beliefs and religion but right now it's important to give them a consistent structure from both parents.

So, here's the problem. I'm pretty shaky in my own faith these days. I guess it started when I took an ancient philosophy course in graduate school I started questioning all the bible stories and how much of it was true. Then, when my Dad died I just got mad at the church and the way the pastor was handling the service. I still pray to God and I do believe in God, however, that's kind of the extent of my faith. I don't believe that Christianity is the only true and right religion. I don't believe that people who aren't Christians, or the "right" denomination of Christianity are going to hell. Since I'm not exactly a model Christian how can I explain to my son why I'm still a Christian and not Jewish like him, his sister and Daddy? However, I also don't want to convert to Judaism. I'm still enough of a believer that I consider myself to be Christian and can't imagine being anything else.

I think I need to really figure out what exactly it is that I believe. Maybe then I would be less uncomfortable having these discussions with my son. So, how does one go about finding out what their own truth is? Do I reread the bible? Start attending church again? Stare at my belly button? Advice needed please.

Pizza and french fries

What a great day today. The weather was gorgeous - 70s, sunny and full of the promise that spring always holds. We'll save the gripe about pollen for later.

My daughter filled up all thirty squares on her potty training chart (finally) this week so she got her reward today. She had picked this out months ago. She wanted to go to a restaurant and eat pizza and french fries. Until today, she'd only had pizza once in her life when Doug made it for her when Joshua and I were out. She's had french fries when Doug made them at home or when I let her nibble some of mine at a restaurant. So, this was a big deal for her. A big pile of fries with ketchup and the biggest slice of pizza I have ever seen in my life - all for her.

I did my research since I wanted to eat at a restaurant that had other options more paleo-friendly for me and I found the Rustic Grille right here in our town. I ordered an "Aruba salad." That was a plate full of romaine and spinach leaves, grilled chicken breast, strawberries, grapes, walnuts and coconut flakes topped off with raspberry vinaigrette. I'm sure that the vinaigrette wasn't gluten-free and the walnuts and coconut were probably sweetened but I thought it was still a decent lunch all things considered. I haven't had dressing on a salad in months so I was giddy from this treat. Feel free to laugh at the insanity of that. Anyway, my daughter and I walked out of there quite pleased with ourselves and it truly was a nice mother, daughter moment. She behaved quite nicely and remembered her table manners at the restaurant so it was practically stress-free for me. When we got in the car I said "maybe for your next reward we could go to Jellybean Jungle (a local indoor play place) or go shopping for a new dress. Maybe something we could do with Joshua." "Mommy I don't want Joshua to go." "You just want it to be me and you?" I asked. "Yes," she replied. That made me feel really nice. Daughter gets extra points at all gift-giving holidays this year.

In other news, I've lost a couple more pounds this month and I'm now at a lower weight than I was on my wedding day. I have more bulk on my hips and thighs than I did seven years ago but carrying a couple of babies will do that to you. Right now I'm between a size 8 and a size 10. I'm feeling pretty freakin' ecstatic. Oh, and I'm doing this while still nibbling on chocolate most days. Yay!

One thing I am disappointed in regarding the goals I set at the beginning of the year is finding time in the evening for myself. I just haven't done any writing really except for this blog. I find myself sucked into Facebook and some of the applications and before I know it Doug is wanting to watch TV or it's time for bed. Obviously, mediation has been ignored as well. So, I would really like to put some more effort into that area. I believe it's important to nourish the body and the soul and although I'm doing good with the body my soul is getting neglected and that's going to lead to imbalance or the continuance of it.

Okay, time to gripe about the pollen. Ugh. Hate the stuff. I know it means the trees are going to be wearing their leaves and flowers soon and it will look beautiful. However, my son and I are suffering terribly right now. I have a frog in my throat most of the day and I'm feeling more wiped out than usual. Joshua is having an eczema flare on his face (pictures tomorrow should be interesting) and he has a runny nose all day long. With the nicer weather we've been playing outside more often and I haven't been doing what the allergist told me to do with him - have him take his clothes off and jump in the shower immediately when we get back in the house. I'm usually so tired after we've been playing outside and I have to fix dinner. On top of that, he's adamant that he doesn't want to take a shower. It's just not worth the energy to fight that battle. So, today, we didn't play outside at all. Both kids were bummed about this (as was I) but I hate to see him itchy and uncomfortable. I so want my kids to have a love of the outdoors and to play outside as much as they want but it looks like that's just not going to be possible during the allergy season. Frankly, the only time my son's not reacting to something outside is during the winter. So, instead they're developing a love of the Wii. Let me just say this - it's so unfair. Oh and Joshua really wants to play with the cats but he can't due to his allergies. My poor kid.

Thank God for Sesame Street

Honestly. I am completely exhausted today. Both kids seem tired too and cranky. It's two hours until Doug gets home so I did what any rational parent would do. I put on the TV and I told them to watch Sesame Street. That show is a parent's ticket to peace. It lasts an hour long without commercial breaks, is interesting enough to hold the kids' interest that long and it's almost guilt-free since it's considered "educational."

So, what's going on with me that I feel this wiped out? It's probably a combo of factors. I've been pushing hard on EA Active, doing the medium level (thank God today was a "rest day" for it) as well as my daily morning exercises. In addition, with the nicer weather, I've been spending at least an hour outside with the kids. I tend to do yard work while they're playing like picking up sticks or pulling out dead plants. Things that are harder labor than I'm used to.

I've also had some added stress this week. Joshua had an allergist appointment on Monday, an occupational therapist appointment yesterday followed by a recheck of his ears at the pediatrician's. That appointment was a bust since the pediatrician informed me Joshua still has the fluid in his ears. We're giving it one more month and then we'll have to consult with a surgeon about putting tubes in to drain the fluid. Ack! Then, this a.m., when I dropped off Joshua at preschool, the teacher handed me the report on his vision screening by the State. Joshua failed it and they claim he might have a muscle imbalance in his eyes. Oh Lord. Doug's sister has a "lazy eye" and I'm afraid that Joshua may have inherited that tendency. The pediatrician's office told me (I immediately called them on the phone) that they only do basic vision testing (he has 20/30 vision according to them so he can't be too bad) and I need to consult with an ophthalmologist. So, not only are we dealing with Joshua's multiple food and environmental allergies and eczema, along with delayed motor skills, we also have a possible vision problem. I really really need a vacation.

Then, to add to my stress, I had an appointment with the school registrar this morning to hand in the paperwork for Joshua's kindergarten registration. I went in there all confident since I not only had all the paperwork filled out, I had extra forms of identification to prove residency. One problem that the registrar kindly pointed out: they all had the P.O. Box address on them and couldn't be used. So, I was sent home to find proof of residency and told to fax it to her. Doug was home so he offered to use the fax machine on my printer that I'd never used before (I'm completely clueless). Surprise! I was out of ink and couldn't make a copy of the items we need to fax. Sigh. Doug ended up having to stop at the school on his way to work instead.

I've been drinking coffee despite my determination to give it up as of last post. I wonder if that's adding to my fatigue. The amount of sleep I've been getting is better than decent - between 7 and 8 hours each night.

So over-exertion, stress and coffee. Those are what I see as contributing to this yucky feeling. Oh, let's add in PMS too for kicks. Ugh.

Shopping from my attic

Well, this week has been a success for me even though I haven't lost even a smidgen of a pound. The reason I'm feeling so chipper is that I went up to the attic today and dragged down a black plastic trash bag I had stuffed full of clothes last year, certain that I'd never wear them again. See, a year ago, I assumed that I was stuck in this post-baby body and that the slightly chunky look was where I was stuck. To my delight, I pulled one thing after another out of that bag and it fit me. A miniskirt that I haven't been able to wear in five years is fitting me perfectly now. I found four pairs of pants that I couldn't squeeze into and now they look great. A nice black suit from my corporate days fits me as well. My biggest triumph - the green dress I wore after my wedding fits again. I don't think I have the same body I did when I got married but I'm getting closer. Van Halen concert t-shirt here I come!

So, I didn't lose any weight last week and I got addicted to coffee again. However, finding that I'm fitting into clothes I gave up for lost is inspiring me to keep with the program. After one last cup of the evil coffee this afternoon I'm going to give it up again. I will also pay closer attention even when eating out so I don't overeat. I really need to learn to stop eating when I'm full no matter how good the food tastes. I will keep exercising except on days when I feel my absolute worst. I have to listen to my body and know when to stop after all. I also give myself one day off a week from the exercise to give my muscles time to heal.

I'm also feeling upbeat since the weather is beautiful. Right now it's sunny and 55 degrees outside. After the kids finish watching their TV show and have a snack I'm taking them out to romp in the yard. YAY!

Ralphie is a miracle cat

The vet called me back this afternoon (after two phone calls placed to the office by me - no I wasn't worried. LOL!) with Ralphie's test results. Believe it or not, my little booger boy had completely normal test results. No elevated white blood cells, no low red blood cell, liver function is fine, etc. The vet was amazed because she expected at least to see some liver issues due to the high dose of steroids my kitty is on. Nope, he's able to take it without any problems. Since the vet appointment, his appetite seems to have improved and he's drinking water. He's still kind of lethargic but not in a way that worries me. So, here's what I'm wondering... did he know that Molly (our dog) was put to sleep on Saturday and somehow he was bothered by it. He and Molly haven't seen each other in a year since the cats have been isolated in one room. So, how would Ralphie know?

Anyway, I'm very relieved and hope to have this cat around for many years to come. Okay, I know he's going to be 13 in May so not too many years but I'll take what I can get.

Dammit! Life just isn't fair!

This is Ralphie. I adopted him from a shelter in November 1997 and he's been my baby ever since. Tonight I took him to the vet for a routine prednisone shot (he has a tumor on his mouth that's been kept in check for over a year with these shots) and I mentioned to the vet that he hadn't had much appetite for the past couple of days and he threw up his water this afternoon. He also had very dry skin. The vet fears that the steroid shots have caught up to him and it might be affecting his kidneys. So, I shelled out over $200 (money we don't have) for some blood tests tonight, fluids and Pepcid AC for the cat. The tests will tell us tomorrow or Wednesday whether Ralphie is suffering from something serious or just having a few bad days. Keeping fingers crossed. I really couldn't bear to lose him. I know he's almost thirteen years old and has been fighting cancer for the majority of those years but I still want to keep hoping. He makes me smile even on my crappiest days and I love what a snugglebug he is.

In addition, I'm still raw from the loss of Molly. My daughter has been crying during the day over her too. Rough times.

Oh, and it doesn't help that I'm sporting a fever (100.9, swollen glands and achy joints this evening. So, if this post seems scattered you know why. Really, haven't I been sick enough this year? I think this is my third illness since the beginning of January and I know I'd had a few other colds/flu in the months before that. What is up with my immune system? I feel that if we could get to the bottom of that it would answer a lot of questions, especially what the hell is wrong with me that I'm so tired all the time!

Rest in Peace Molly

This post is going to be very difficult for me to write. Despite the love/hate relationship I had with our dog I am very sad at her passing. Molly has never had an easy life in terms of illnesses. Shortly after we adopted her in 2000 she had her first seizure. It took us almost a year but we got them mostly under control with medication.

We should have known when they started up again last summer that something else was wrong but we just blamed it on our not being strict enough with adhering to her medication schedule - a missed dose occurred here and there. So, on the advice of the vet, we increased one of the anti-seizure medications and added some gabapentin to the mix. Seizures were reduced and all seemed well. However, Molly was getting more gray and white in her fur and didn't seem to have the same joy in activities like she used to.

In November her back legs started giving out on her and by the middle of December we were prepared to have her put to sleep. However, the vet gave us some new medications including a very high dose of prednisone to help her last just a little bit longer. Although she didn't get her former agility back, Molly did regain a spring in her step and regained a lot of her lost mobility. So, she continued to fight for her life. A few weeks ago, my husband was going to refill her medication for prednisone again and realized that this might be a sign that we should visit the vet. We'd been on the last ditch medication for several weeks. We knew that it was probably causing damage to her liver and stomach and we wondered how much longer we could keep this going. At the office, the vet examined Molly and noticed the droop in her lip, and the loss of sight and hearing on one side. That, combined with her walking tilt to the one side and her difficulty with the back legs led the vet to presume a brain tumor. To get an official diagnosis Molly would need an MRI but we just couldn't afford to spend $3000 for a full battery of tests. We did spend a few hundred on the blood tests. Molly's liver levels were abysmal so we put her on some herbals. The vet told us maybe Molly had a month or two.

Last night, Molly started throwing up her supper. Along with the food we found traces of mucus and blood. This was a possible sign that the prednisone was really affecting her stomach. Molly threw up throughout the night and could barely move. When I saw her this morning I knew that the end was here. She was just lying on the floor, she felt very cool to me and she couldn't do more than lift her head to greet me. Any water she had just came back up again. Doug made the call to the vet at 9 a.m. and an appointment was made for 11:30. We knew that Molly would most likely not be coming home from this vet visit. So, we tried explaining to the kids what was going on and had them say goodbye. It didn't help to hear Allison telling Molly that she was her best friend.

As the time to leave approached Doug grabbed Molly's chain collar and removed her pink heart collar. Usually this activity would get Molly all excited and she would find the energy and strength within her to jump up and run for the door. Today, she just laid her head back on her paws. We knew that we were doing the right thing in making this final appointment at the vet but it was still hard. Doug carried her out to the car and laid her on the back seat and drove away. He came home and told me she was gone. He then proceeded to remove all of Molly's belongings from the house and took them out to the garbage can. Seeing all of her toys and bedding was just too painful.

The kids who are 5 and almost 3 years old are having a hard time understanding this all. They keep asking us where Molly is. The last time Joshua asked I explained again that she was dead and wouldn't be coming back. He pronounced "now we'd better get a new dog." I'm afraid that I won't be ready for that for a long time.

I don't think that anyone else on this Earth has ever caused as much stress and anger for me as that dog did. So many things of mine were chewed up and destroyed. So many meals were stolen off the counters and cleaning up after she knocked down a garbage can was just irritating. However, we had some good times too. I remember the walks we used to take in the woods of West Orange. Sometimes we'd come upon a flock of deer together or some wild turkey. We both took great joy in running down the trails together and jumping over fallen logs. We were fine as long as there wasn't another person or dog in the area because then she'd nearly rip my arm out of the socket trying to hold her leash as she lunged with joy towards them. Who could forget the time when Chinese food was delivered to the house and she got past us out the door and into the street. As she raced back she pushed the delivery man aside and jumped into his car. I've never seen anyone as frightened as that man was. However, Molly meant all of it in fun. She lived to give kisses and to greet every person with enthusiasm and joy. I will miss hearing her paws running across the floor, tail wagging vigorously whenever I came home from an outing. Even if I was just out to get the mail at the end of the driveway, she greeted me as if I'd been away for days.

I never was a fan of her kisses because they were usually scented with dog poop but I really wish I could have one of those stinky kisses right about now. I cried in her fur so many times over the years and she bore it all patiently. I miss her faithfulness and love despite the number of times I yelled at her or corrected her with the chain collar. As an unknown author said: "My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am."

Rest in peace Molly and know that you won't be forgotten.

Angry Mama Cat!

Yep, I'm angry, not sleepy, mama cat this week. Last Friday my son's preschool had its Valentine's Day party. I get anxious about these sort of things anyway because I know there's a ton of food, candy and chaos which is not a good mix when someone there has multiple food allergies like my son. However, to add to the anxiety, I found out that the teacher was going to be away that day to help her daughter out with her new baby. I'm not blaming her in any way for not being at school that day. However, it made a bad situation worse because the person in charge, the teacher's assistant is not that educated about food allergies. In addition, the substitute was completely new, not the usual one there, and she had no clue about my son's allergies. Obviously, I left the classroom that day feeling very concerned but didn't feel right dragging my son out of there either.

When I picked him up later that morning I felt some relief as the teacher's assistant handed me a Ziploc bag full of candy and valentines. She only put the candy-free valentines in his box so I could separate the candy at home before Joshua would be exposed to it. On the car ride home I talked to my son about the party and asked about food consumed, etc. He assured me that he only ate the cupcake and candy I had packed for him. So, I felt some of my anxiety melting away and started thinking about the weekend.

Later that afternoon, I found him in the family room with his pant legs hoisted up as he was scratching his red, bumpy, inflamed legs. His skin had been perfectly clear that a.m. so I knew that this was a new reaction. Again I interrogated him about what he'd eaten at the party that day and, again, he assured me he hadn't eaten anything he shouldn't have. I chalked it all up to poor hand-washing practices at the school. The other kids must have eaten something with allergens, not washed their hands and then spread it all over the toys and surfaces before my son played with them.

He continued to suffer through the weekend, constantly scratching. Yesterday morning he presented my husband and I with a homemade valentine and a gift bag - something he made in school. It had a cute little poem on the outside that the teachers had printed up and inside were some red hearts he had cut out and kissed for us. In addition, there were three Hershey's Kisses. Cue up the anxious music here. I asked who had put the chocolate in there. He told me he did. I asked when, he told me Friday. Mystery solved. As everyone who's ever opened a bag of Hershey Kisses before knows, there's always at least one candy unwrapped from the foil. Therefore, any wrapped candies are likely to get small traces of chocolate on them. This chocolate has dairy in it as well as soy. In addition, there's the possibility of cross-contamination with the Kisses that have peanut butter in them. Obviously, my son has never had any such thing. Here's what I picture happened. My son handled the candies and maybe got some trace ingredients on his fingers. Then (gross out factor coming up), since he has a cold, he probably swiped the mucus running out of his nose and popped that finger in his mouth. All of this would happen in a matter of seconds as he's learned to move faster with his finger than a mommy can get to a tissue.

School was closed today and I was unable to discuss this all with the director. However, it seems to me that it should be common sense that a boy with all of his allergies should not be handling any such product. It wouldn't have been so hard for the teacher to put those Kisses in herself and wouldn't have affected the gift one bit. I kept the red hearts he kissed for me but I did throw those Kisses right in the garbage. I know that his life is going to be filled with battles like these unless he outgrows his allergies. However, it just makes me feel very sad that we have to worry about every little detail like this. I hope that kindergarten is better next year when the public school by law will have to accommodate his needs. I'm not by any means suggesting that the candy shouldn't have been in the classroom. However, he should not have been touching it.

In other news, we have his first appointment with an occupational therapist tomorrow to evaluate his fine motor skills. I'll let you know how that goes.

As for me, I experienced some nice weight loss last week and reached the goal I had set for myself for the beginning of March. I attribute that to decreased calorie intake (I average about 1550 a day now as opposed to the 1750 at the start of this diet) and increased physical activity. However, I'm not sure if this number is going to hold as I really overindulged on Sunday when we went to a Thai restaurant. I ate half a duck. Yep, you read that right. Half a duck - at least 1000 calories and that doesn't include the coconut milk-based soup I had before that. At home, I had a nice glass of mead while my husband and I watched a movie. I'm back on track today so, hopefully, I won't see too much of a weight gain this week.

A Better Week!

Update! I have started to lose weight again despite pigging out on tortilla chips during the Super Bowl. Yes, I know that tortilla chips aren't in keeping with the paleo diet but it was a craving I just couldn't resist. Hopefully, I got it out of my system and I won't slide again (at least for awhile!). So, as of today, I have lost 10.5 pounds since the beginning of January and my clothes are definitely fitting better. Hooray! I am hopeful that I will meet my goal by the end of the month - only one more pound to go. Then, I will set my next goal of ten more pounds by June 1. Then, I will be back to the weight I was before I got married.

But getting back to the Super Bowl... I may be a cranky old lady but did some of the Super Bowl ads bother anyone else? It was hard to find an ad that didn't feature a woman scantily clad and for no good reason. Take for example, monster.com's ad of the beaver violinist. At the end of the ad it shows him reclining in a hot tub with a bikin-clad woman. Okay, I know that they're stretching reality with a violin-playing beaver to begin with but why would he be attracted to a human? The ad was really funny and eye-catching on its own without them throwing that in.

Then, the ad for Bridgestone tires has a man placing more value on his tires than his wife who is wearing some kind of tight black latex top. The Bud Light ads weren't exactly enlightened either in terms of their portrayal of women but that wasn't a big surprise as it was a beer commercial.

Dockers and Dodge both played on fears of male emasculation. Um, I really liked that car for myself by the way. Maybe they should've thought of viewers like me when they created that ad.

I know that the Super Bowl is supposed to be all about being macho but there are women viewers. According to marketingprofs.com in an article by Gary Myers:

• Who watches the Super Bowl? Approximately 100 million viewers, with more than 40 percent of them women.
• Who spends the most money as a consumer? Women spend approximately 85 percent; men spend only 15 percent.
• Who focuses more on the game—and who on the commercials? Though many women love football, and a lot of men enjoy seeing the new commercials, women focus more on the commercials... and men more on the game.

So, it seems like maybe the advertisers should be targeting their ads more to women during the Super Bowl. I'm not saying that there should be ads for tampons or makeup but maybe show a little more respect for women when creating an ad for beer or tires. We are not property and we're not out to emasculate all men - really we're not. Putting us down is not going to get us to buy your products.

My son has his five-year checkup with the doctor this morning. I have a lot to discuss with the pediatrician so I'm hoping I can keep alert. I had a hard time sleeping last night because of all the congestion from this cold. I am so ready for winter to be over!

One heck of a craptastic week.

Warning - this is going to be one downer of a post. Do not expect any positive thinking, uplifting or inspiring messages. I've had a bad week for so many reasons and rather then let it stew inside any longer I'm just going to let it out here. You've been warned, proceed further at your own peril.

Gripe #1 - I am watching my calories closer than Kate Moss ever did and I upped my exercise intensity and duration this week yet I didn't lose any more weight. In fact, I gained a pound! Arghh!!! Oh sure, I could be converting fat to muscle or something like that but it's still frustrating. Grrr.

Gripe #2 - I'm coming down with another cold. Yes, another one. I had a cold at the beginning of January and now one at the beginning of February. I'm not even going to list how many colds I had last fall, in addition to the flu. I had hoped that my healthier eating and exercising would boost my immune system and help me fight off those germs. However, since my son is walking around the house blowing his nose sans tissue I suppose I didn't have much of a chance.

Gripe #3 - My husband is no longer sympathetic/empathetic to my gripes. I must have gone on and on about how crappy I felt this a.m. and my husband, as he was leaving for work, told me to have a nice day. Grrrr. That is so not the right thing to say to me! Of course, that lead to me having an argument/discussion with him in front of the kids and basically called him evil incarnate. Okay, not that bad but I came close. Now he's pretty ticked at me and it's only one week until Valentine's Day.

Gripe #4 - I can't get a babysitter for either next Saturday or Sunday (Valentine's Day). Thus, we will be spending another romantic holiday at home with the kids.

Okay, this next part is not really a gripe. However, I know it's contributing to my black mood so I suppose I should add it here. A friend of mine from high school died of lung cancer last Saturday. I have a number of tough emotions regarding this friend. Over the years, he made me so angry, sad, disappointed, etc. But he also made me laugh and feel pretty good about myself. During high school he and I read the same stupid fantasy adventure books and created some stories of our own. Our form of exchanging notes was to write another part of the story. Yep, it was pretty dorky stuff but it was nice having someone to express my creative side with and not be judged harshly for it. He was my first boyfriend and my first kiss, a lot of other firsts too but not the big first. I craved his attention and always wanted him to see me as the prettiest and would often be devastated when he chose to date someone else. After high school I moved past that and just enjoyed his company and the occasional kiss when we hung out together. At some point, even that changed when we finally grew up and found the real loves of our lives. However, we still stayed friends for awhile and kept in touch. I was devastated when I wasn't invited to his wedding and actually cried a lot of tears over it. However, now I understand why his wife wouldn't want me there. I wouldn't have wanted any of my husband's old girlfriends at our wedding either even if the relationship had developed to just friends.

We lost touch over the years and then reconnected on Facebook over the past year. As I learned of his fight with lung cancer I felt heartbroken yet there was still this distance between us. I read the updates from his wife on his treatments and the highs and lows of the struggle. Despite this it was still a shock to me to learn of his death last weekend. I couldn't make it to the funeral due to the difficulties and expense of travel. So, instead, I read his old yearbook entries to me and looked at the pictures posted on the memorial page. I e-mailed his brother a couple of times and had a Woodchuck Cider in honor of him this week. I guess I'm just confused on how to deal with this. I'm sad but it's also like that sadness is not really 100% there due to the fact we had lost contact with one another for so long and due to the fact that I had a lot of repressed anger at his cavalier treatment of me at times. Regardless, I have found myself crying here and there and I do plan on attending the memorial service this summer in my hometown. I will travel for that.

Another blow came this week when I heard an acquaintance from college had died from an aneurysm. We were friendly but not friends and we didn't stay in touch after graduation. However, the loss of someone else my age and from my past is just a bit much. I guess it's making me feel old and to face the fact that I'm going to die someday too. Maybe not soon but someday. And that is not a happy thought.

Week 3 - One oops and I'm paying for it

My apologies for the late post. This has been one heck of a busy week for me (in a good way!). My son turned five on Tuesday so we threw him a birthday party at the local wildlife refuge on Sunday. There were 17 kids there, mostly from his preschool class. All I could think was "boy am I glad we had the party here instead of at the house." Everyone had a great time. The turtle and snake were very popular and everyone enjoyed the quick hike. Thankfully, the rain held off.


On his actual birthday my husband took the day off from work and drove us up to New York City to go to the American Museum of Natural History. What an amazing place and what a treat for a five-year-old boy who loves dinosaurs. We saw the skeletons of many kinds of dinosaurs including a tyrannosaurus rex, stegasaurus and a saber tooth tiger.


We attempted to see an IMAX film but it was too loud for my kids. Money down the drain but we were okay with that. My son also enjoyed the musuem's discovery room which was geared towards kids his age and then we got in the car to go to a restaurant. Well, the excitement of the day must have gotten to my son because he threw up as soon as we got back in New Jersey. So, no restaurant trip for us (I was so looking forward to those ostrich medallions!) but he was all recovered by the time we got home and enjoyed a very big piece of birthday cake.

Obviously, this was a trying time to stick to the paleo diet but I managed to avoid the pitfalls (mostly). I only had a small lick of the frosting and didn't have any cake or cupcakes at all (I was quite tempted too!). I told myself that if my son noticed my not eating cake I would have a piece. However, he was too involved with his yummy treat to notice that I only had some dried figs. I did give in on the trip home from NYC to have a cup of Starbucks coffee. I got a small white chocolate mocha. The first two sips I was in heaven but after a few more I was kind of repulsed by the sweetness of it and the dairy taste. Remember I haven't had any dairy or sugar in three weeks (honey in two weeks) so my tastebuds have acclimated to appreciating the sweetness of things like fruit and sweet vegetables like carrots or winter squash. The next day, I had pimples on a face that had mostly cleared up and I was completely exhausted. I'm not sure how much of that can be attributed to all the walking I did rather than the coffee concoction but I don't believe that the coffee had any positive effect on me.

The good news is that at the end of three and a half weeks on this diet I have lost 9.5 pounds. My clothes feel somewhat looser on me and my husband has definitely noticed the change in me. He tells me that I look so skinny and that it makes him want to start losing weight too. I see most of the change in my face and my belly. I still have some mommy tummy going on but I no longer look four months pregnant. Hooray! In addition, my energy levels have been somewhat better. I found myself doing a lot of cleaning and organizing last week when I had my period, a time I'm normally completely drained and sloth-like. I'm not as irritable and I have been spending more time with the kids. They still annoy the heck out of me a good deal of the time but I'm not losing my temper quite as much. All positive changes that are encouraging me to stick with the program. I'm hoping that next week I can switch my Wii Fit to EA Active. I'm able to do 30 minutes in the afternoon on Wii Fit and I'm not sore so I think that's a sign I need to do something a little more strenuous. Oh, I saw the chiropractor last night and he had a lot of positive things to say about my spine. Of course, he attributed it to the work he's been doing but I think a good part of the improvement is due to my stretching and doing yoga in the a.m. They've helped to get the nighttime kinks out of my back so I'm not quite as disabled first thing in the morning.

In terms of food, last week I made a yummy beef stew. I used a lot of turnips and rutabagas to make up for the lack of potatoes. Frankly, I didn't miss them. I do still have cravings for french fries and I probably always will. However, everytime I'm tempted I think how poorly I felt about myself when my "big girl clothes" were getting snug. That's enough to keep me in line.

Two weeks down of the Paleo Diet!

This is getting easier now. It's been two weeks since I've started the Paleo Diet. So, that means, I haven't had any grains, dairy, soy, potatoes, sweet potatoes, legumes or coffee in two weeks. I haven't had any processed foods at all. In addition, I've eliminate sugar, stevia, maple syrup and honey from my diet. I think that honey or maple syrup will occasionally make it's way into my diet but for now it's out. In addition, I've tried increasing my activity level. In the mornings I wake up and do some stretching, crunches and push ups and some strength training with some light weights.In the afternoons I do some Wii Fit, trying to get a balance of cardio, strength training and yoga for about 30 minutes. The end result has been a weight loss total of six pounds and counting. I feel less irritable and my clothes are starting to fit a little better. To celebrate I had one itty bitty square of dark chocolate this afternoon. Since it was nearly 80% dark cocoa I felt satisfied even with such a small amount.

I do have some small cravings and I have to fight some bad habits I used to have. The other day there was a smidgeon of homemade bread left on the counter. Like I did in the past, I picked that piece up and started to pop it into my mouth. I stopped myself in time and put it in the trash instead. Another time I nearly cleaned a serving spoon off that had some brown rice on it. Again, I stopped myself before I ate it. However, this made me reflect on something. Whether or not I believe that grains have a negative effect on my body it certainly wasn't helping my weight to be popping a little smidgeon here or a spoonful there of stuff into my mouth. Little things like that really add up over the day. It pays to be conscious of what we're putting in our bodies and to really think about what we're eating.

I got a little creative with my lunch today. It's a cold, rainy day here and I simply couldn't bear the idea of a cold salad - my usual lunchtime choice. So, I opened the refrigerator to see what was there and ended up making a kale soup instead. I came up with this without the help of a recipe and I'm happy to say it was delicious. I heated up two cups of frozen turkey stock (thank you Doug for going to the trouble of making that from the turkey carcass last Thanksgiving and freezing many containers of it), added a choppped up onion, a chopped up garlic clove and a chopped up carrot. Let it cook until those vegetables were tender and then added a whole bunch of chopped up kale, covered it and simmered for about 10 minutes. Then, I added some chopped up turkey bacon (nitrate free!) at the end just long enough for that to get warm. I felt so full and satisfied with this lunch and it was nice and soothing on such a yucky day. This is what my bowl of good stuff looked like:


Here's hoping I'll be posting a similar success story next weekend. My son is having a fifth birthday party on Sunday and I'll be making cupcakes for him and his friends. It may be very difficult to resist that tempation. Regardless of how I do that day I am going to allow myself a small piece of cake on his actual birthday. It will be interesting to see how I feel the next day.

Update on Paleo Diet - One Week Down!

As I brew my umpteenth cup of tea, I thought I'd sit down and write an update on how the paleo diet is working for me. In one week, I've strictly adhered to a diet of poultry, meat, veggies (excluding potatoes and sweet potatoes), and fruit with a small amount of walnuts thrown in. It's been somewhat easier than I'd imagined. I suppose since I'm already used to cooking most foods from scratch it wasn't too much of an adjustment. For mealtimes, I just give myself an extra vegetable instead of the grain or potato I'm feeding the rest of the family. I've lost about four pounds and I think my face looks a little leaner. I've been doing Wii Fit for five days and have managed to do my little calisthenics, yoga and strength training routine every morning except for Saturday. I've found that I enjoy that time to myself and it helps me to wake up slowly. I'm drinking a lot of tea (mostly herbal) but have not had a single cup of coffee. Something I'm even prouder of is that I haven't had any sugar or stevia all week and, starting yesterday, I gave up the honey.

So, how am I feeling? Pretty good considering that I started this whole quest with a nasty chest cold. Doug has been diagnosed with bronchitis and it's pretty likely that I have it too. However, it seems to be getting better on its own. I've been sleeping good at night and my aches and pains are reduced a bit. I'm still looking forward to my chiropractor appointment tomorrow evening but I'm not going to be as desperate for it as I was earlier in the week when I had what Doug diagnosed as sciatica. I have been hungry at times but I'm not getting the irritable hunger that I had from the sugar crashes. I'd say that overall my mood has improved. What's most amazing to me is that I took a look at my tonsils today and I couldn't see them. For the past year they've been enlarged and usually had some kind of crud packed in them (how's that for gross-out factor?). The fact that they've reduced in size has to be a good sign.

One thing that I have found to be critical for my success with this plan of mine is to make sure there is something prepared for breakfast the night before. Most mornings I'm having some kind of leftover greens (i.e., kale sauteed with garlic and onions) and a few slices of turkey bacon. I love butternut squash in the morning as it satisfies the sweet craving I have at that time of day.

And, in case you think I'm suffering with bland choices look at what I had for dinner tonight - half a roasted turkey thigh, a cup of acorn squash covered in sauteed onions (cooked in olive oil), and a cup of broccoli.


I left the table with a very happy tummy. For my snack tonight I'm going to have a banana, 1/2 an apple and 1/4 cup of walnuts with my cup of tea.

So, I am going to continue with this eating plan for the foreseeable future as I think it's working for me. I've been tracking my nutrition online and the only thing I'm consistently coming up short on is iron and calcium so I'm taking my supplements for those. Frankly, I wasn't doing too good with those nutrients before I started this diet so I'm not all that concerned.

I will continue to keep you updated on a weekly basis as I continue my pursuit of better health.

Happy new Year!

Yep, it's that time of year again. Time for a new resolution.
“New Year's Day - Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” - Mark Twain

However, this time I do have a plan and the intention of sticking to it. I know, I know, enough of the gab, let's get to the resolution.

Well, as a background, I've done some reflecting and discovered that I have an unhealthy addiction to coffee, chocolate, simple carbs, especially sugar, and dairy. When I get angry, depressed or happy I reach for a piece of chocolate, a bowl of mac n cheese or something like that to celebrate or help me get through the rough patch. I need coffee to function in the morning and mid-afternoon. This can't be healthy.

Symptoms I've experienced over the years include fatigue, muscle and joint aches, dizziness, mental confusion and forgetfulness, sleep problems, anxiety and depression. This past year everything has just become magnified in intensity especially right before my period. In addition, I've experienced a lot of bloating/puffiness and just look pasty and ill. I've been sick almost nonstop since September with colds and infections. This is not the way I want to look or feel and eating the way I have been may be contributing in a small or large way to my symptoms. I eat the food I love and instead of feeling better afterwards I feel unhappy with the choice I've made, the amount I've eaten and the numbers on the scale. I've also had some sharp stomach pains and my face and ears flush and feel really hot. It's time for a change.

A few years ago when Joshua was over a year old I started seeing a health practioner who advocated a diet that eliminated dairy, grains, starchy vegetables and sugar, and all processed foods. I should eat fruits, vegetables (except for potatoes, sweet potatoes and yams), meat and fish. I could use honey for sweetener and coconut and olive oil but no other oils or sweeteners. It sounds crazy but my nutritional needs were being met on this diet (I tracked everything I ate using an online tool called www.fitday.com) and I think it would've worked really well for me. I lost almost ten pounds in two weeks and lost a lot of my puffiness. However, I was still breastfeeding Joshua at the time and I just didn't feel strong enough to overcome my addictions at the time.

I'm ready to give this another shot now. Starting tomorrow, January 3, I will eat only fruits, vegetables, meat and fish, and olive oil. I may try out eating walnuts when Joshua isn't around as I'm worried about exposing him to tree nuts (he's allergic to almonds and his doctor told me to limit his exposure to other tree nuts and seeds). Unfortunately, I'm allergic to eggs otherwise they would be a great addition to this diet. However, I'm confident that I can still do this. I'm going to give it a full month's try to see how I feel. I also plan on making some lifestyle changes to see if they'll help too. In essence, here is my plan for each day:
Wake up at 7:00. Do some yoga, push ups, sit ups and some light weight lifting - alternating arms and legs days. Shower afterwards.
Breakfast
A.M. snack
Lunch
P.M. snack
As I feel better I hope to do some cardio in the afternoon. I'll probably start with Wii Fit and work my way back into doing EA Active on the Wii. When the weather gets nicer, perhaps a walk outside.
Dinner
Meditation, writing, sketching or painting (to nurture my soul and help me return to more of the person I value)
Evening snack
In bed by 11.

My goal is that by the end of two weeks I'll have gotten over my cravings and will have lost four pounds. I'm hoping for more energy, reduction in puffiness and over my coffee addiction. At four weeks (end of January) I hope to have lost eight pounds and to have more energy, less aches and sleeping better. By June, I hope to have lost 15-20 pounds, to have more lean muscle and to fit into my vintage Van Halen concert T-shirt that I haven't been able to wear since 2004. Hey, it's the little things. LOL!I want to have the energy to play outside with the kids for more than just 30 minutes at a time. By the end of December, 2010, I hope to have found my ideal weight, to be stronger and healthier. I would love to see my thyroid healed but since I've had this problem for 12 years, I understand it may take longer than a year to heal completely. I don't dare to hope for a cure of my chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia but it would be nice to see a huge reduction in my symptoms with less flare ups.

Basically, I'm going to be following what's called the paleolithic or caveman diet. A great source of information on it can be found at http://www.paleodiet.com/. One thing that appeals to me is the argument that it has been successful in healing autoimmune diseases. I have autoimmune disease of the thyroid and lately I've been fearing that I have more autoimmune issues going on.

Anyway, I know this will be hard to maintain at first with two little ones in the house but I'm going to give it my best shot. It's high time I took my health into my own hands. I don't want to continue down the road I've been traveling. It's not working for me and I'm cheating my husband and kids of the wife and mother they need. I will try to update you on my progress every couple of weeks as I take this journey.