This post is going to be very difficult for me to write. Despite the love/hate relationship I had with our dog I am very sad at her passing. Molly has never had an easy life in terms of illnesses. Shortly after we adopted her in 2000 she had her first seizure. It took us almost a year but we got them mostly under control with medication.
We should have known when they started up again last summer that something else was wrong but we just blamed it on our not being strict enough with adhering to her medication schedule - a missed dose occurred here and there. So, on the advice of the vet, we increased one of the anti-seizure medications and added some gabapentin to the mix. Seizures were reduced and all seemed well. However, Molly was getting more gray and white in her fur and didn't seem to have the same joy in activities like she used to.
In November her back legs started giving out on her and by the middle of December we were prepared to have her put to sleep. However, the vet gave us some new medications including a very high dose of prednisone to help her last just a little bit longer. Although she didn't get her former agility back, Molly did regain a spring in her step and regained a lot of her lost mobility. So, she continued to fight for her life. A few weeks ago, my husband was going to refill her medication for prednisone again and realized that this might be a sign that we should visit the vet. We'd been on the last ditch medication for several weeks. We knew that it was probably causing damage to her liver and stomach and we wondered how much longer we could keep this going. At the office, the vet examined Molly and noticed the droop in her lip, and the loss of sight and hearing on one side. That, combined with her walking tilt to the one side and her difficulty with the back legs led the vet to presume a brain tumor. To get an official diagnosis Molly would need an MRI but we just couldn't afford to spend $3000 for a full battery of tests. We did spend a few hundred on the blood tests. Molly's liver levels were abysmal so we put her on some herbals. The vet told us maybe Molly had a month or two.
Last night, Molly started throwing up her supper. Along with the food we found traces of mucus and blood. This was a possible sign that the prednisone was really affecting her stomach. Molly threw up throughout the night and could barely move. When I saw her this morning I knew that the end was here. She was just lying on the floor, she felt very cool to me and she couldn't do more than lift her head to greet me. Any water she had just came back up again. Doug made the call to the vet at 9 a.m. and an appointment was made for 11:30. We knew that Molly would most likely not be coming home from this vet visit. So, we tried explaining to the kids what was going on and had them say goodbye. It didn't help to hear Allison telling Molly that she was her best friend.
As the time to leave approached Doug grabbed Molly's chain collar and removed her pink heart collar. Usually this activity would get Molly all excited and she would find the energy and strength within her to jump up and run for the door. Today, she just laid her head back on her paws. We knew that we were doing the right thing in making this final appointment at the vet but it was still hard. Doug carried her out to the car and laid her on the back seat and drove away. He came home and told me she was gone. He then proceeded to remove all of Molly's belongings from the house and took them out to the garbage can. Seeing all of her toys and bedding was just too painful.
The kids who are 5 and almost 3 years old are having a hard time understanding this all. They keep asking us where Molly is. The last time Joshua asked I explained again that she was dead and wouldn't be coming back. He pronounced "now we'd better get a new dog." I'm afraid that I won't be ready for that for a long time.
I don't think that anyone else on this Earth has ever caused as much stress and anger for me as that dog did. So many things of mine were chewed up and destroyed. So many meals were stolen off the counters and cleaning up after she knocked down a garbage can was just irritating. However, we had some good times too. I remember the walks we used to take in the woods of West Orange. Sometimes we'd come upon a flock of deer together or some wild turkey. We both took great joy in running down the trails together and jumping over fallen logs. We were fine as long as there wasn't another person or dog in the area because then she'd nearly rip my arm out of the socket trying to hold her leash as she lunged with joy towards them. Who could forget the time when Chinese food was delivered to the house and she got past us out the door and into the street. As she raced back she pushed the delivery man aside and jumped into his car. I've never seen anyone as frightened as that man was. However, Molly meant all of it in fun. She lived to give kisses and to greet every person with enthusiasm and joy. I will miss hearing her paws running across the floor, tail wagging vigorously whenever I came home from an outing. Even if I was just out to get the mail at the end of the driveway, she greeted me as if I'd been away for days.
I never was a fan of her kisses because they were usually scented with dog poop but I really wish I could have one of those stinky kisses right about now. I cried in her fur so many times over the years and she bore it all patiently. I miss her faithfulness and love despite the number of times I yelled at her or corrected her with the chain collar. As an unknown author said: "My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am."
Rest in peace Molly and know that you won't be forgotten.
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