Warning - this is going to be one downer of a post. Do not expect any positive thinking, uplifting or inspiring messages. I've had a bad week for so many reasons and rather then let it stew inside any longer I'm just going to let it out here. You've been warned, proceed further at your own peril.
Gripe #1 - I am watching my calories closer than Kate Moss ever did and I upped my exercise intensity and duration this week yet I didn't lose any more weight. In fact, I gained a pound! Arghh!!! Oh sure, I could be converting fat to muscle or something like that but it's still frustrating. Grrr.
Gripe #2 - I'm coming down with another cold. Yes, another one. I had a cold at the beginning of January and now one at the beginning of February. I'm not even going to list how many colds I had last fall, in addition to the flu. I had hoped that my healthier eating and exercising would boost my immune system and help me fight off those germs. However, since my son is walking around the house blowing his nose sans tissue I suppose I didn't have much of a chance.
Gripe #3 - My husband is no longer sympathetic/empathetic to my gripes. I must have gone on and on about how crappy I felt this a.m. and my husband, as he was leaving for work, told me to have a nice day. Grrrr. That is so not the right thing to say to me! Of course, that lead to me having an argument/discussion with him in front of the kids and basically called him evil incarnate. Okay, not that bad but I came close. Now he's pretty ticked at me and it's only one week until Valentine's Day.
Gripe #4 - I can't get a babysitter for either next Saturday or Sunday (Valentine's Day). Thus, we will be spending another romantic holiday at home with the kids.
Okay, this next part is not really a gripe. However, I know it's contributing to my black mood so I suppose I should add it here. A friend of mine from high school died of lung cancer last Saturday. I have a number of tough emotions regarding this friend. Over the years, he made me so angry, sad, disappointed, etc. But he also made me laugh and feel pretty good about myself. During high school he and I read the same stupid fantasy adventure books and created some stories of our own. Our form of exchanging notes was to write another part of the story. Yep, it was pretty dorky stuff but it was nice having someone to express my creative side with and not be judged harshly for it. He was my first boyfriend and my first kiss, a lot of other firsts too but not the big first. I craved his attention and always wanted him to see me as the prettiest and would often be devastated when he chose to date someone else. After high school I moved past that and just enjoyed his company and the occasional kiss when we hung out together. At some point, even that changed when we finally grew up and found the real loves of our lives. However, we still stayed friends for awhile and kept in touch. I was devastated when I wasn't invited to his wedding and actually cried a lot of tears over it. However, now I understand why his wife wouldn't want me there. I wouldn't have wanted any of my husband's old girlfriends at our wedding either even if the relationship had developed to just friends.
We lost touch over the years and then reconnected on Facebook over the past year. As I learned of his fight with lung cancer I felt heartbroken yet there was still this distance between us. I read the updates from his wife on his treatments and the highs and lows of the struggle. Despite this it was still a shock to me to learn of his death last weekend. I couldn't make it to the funeral due to the difficulties and expense of travel. So, instead, I read his old yearbook entries to me and looked at the pictures posted on the memorial page. I e-mailed his brother a couple of times and had a Woodchuck Cider in honor of him this week. I guess I'm just confused on how to deal with this. I'm sad but it's also like that sadness is not really 100% there due to the fact we had lost contact with one another for so long and due to the fact that I had a lot of repressed anger at his cavalier treatment of me at times. Regardless, I have found myself crying here and there and I do plan on attending the memorial service this summer in my hometown. I will travel for that.
Another blow came this week when I heard an acquaintance from college had died from an aneurysm. We were friendly but not friends and we didn't stay in touch after graduation. However, the loss of someone else my age and from my past is just a bit much. I guess it's making me feel old and to face the fact that I'm going to die someday too. Maybe not soon but someday. And that is not a happy thought.
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