Mommy, What's A Cross?

We were eating lunch together when my son decided to spring the question "Mommy, what's a cross?" I had a bad feeling that I knew what he was asking and where this was leading but I chose to pretend innocence and ask if he meant "like something is across the road?" "No, Mommy, I mean a cross." "Well" I asked, "where did you come across this word?" "In the book at preschool." When pressed further he identified the name of the book as "The Story of Jesus." Oh, THAT book.

I happily married my husband agreeing that we would raise our children Jewish. I am Christian (kind of a Lutheran/Methodist mutt) but am not as strong in my faith and beliefs as my husband is. So, I figured, we share the same values and both believe in God how hard can it be? Well, we never discussed how exactly we were going to discuss Christianity in our house if it came up. We just wanted to emphasize Judaism and make sure that it was clear that it was the religion our kids practiced. This worked just fine until Joshua started preschool this past year. He remained fairly ignorant of even the whole Santa bit until this last Christmas. Now he has questions and I'm left squirming on my own.

I took the approach I do with all difficult questions of his. I answer him honestly but simply. I figure if he has further questions we'll take it from there. So, I told him that a cross was a symbol of the Christian religion, like the star of David is a Jewish symbol. Well that wasn't enough. He wanted to know why Jesus was on the cross. Oh boy, getting into deeper waters here. I tried explaining the crucifixion bit without getting into too many details but then he wanted to know about the resurrection and whether God was dead.

I did my best and he seemed satisfied but I don't know how much I'm up for this. By the way, I chose to explain that although Christians believe in the resurrection and all that, to other religions it's just a story and that Jesus is seen as a really good man but not like Christians see him. I also told him that Jesus is very important to Christians and his teachings are what our whole religion is based on. I also told him that God can't die since God has been here and always will be. While I'm explaining this I'm trying to makes sure I'm not selling him on Christianity. I don't want to anger Doug because I totally support him in keeping the kids focus on Judaism. I think that it would confuse them if we tried to balance the two beliefs in the house. Obviously, when they're older they have the option of choosing their own beliefs and religion but right now it's important to give them a consistent structure from both parents.

So, here's the problem. I'm pretty shaky in my own faith these days. I guess it started when I took an ancient philosophy course in graduate school I started questioning all the bible stories and how much of it was true. Then, when my Dad died I just got mad at the church and the way the pastor was handling the service. I still pray to God and I do believe in God, however, that's kind of the extent of my faith. I don't believe that Christianity is the only true and right religion. I don't believe that people who aren't Christians, or the "right" denomination of Christianity are going to hell. Since I'm not exactly a model Christian how can I explain to my son why I'm still a Christian and not Jewish like him, his sister and Daddy? However, I also don't want to convert to Judaism. I'm still enough of a believer that I consider myself to be Christian and can't imagine being anything else.

I think I need to really figure out what exactly it is that I believe. Maybe then I would be less uncomfortable having these discussions with my son. So, how does one go about finding out what their own truth is? Do I reread the bible? Start attending church again? Stare at my belly button? Advice needed please.