I don't get it. Why me? When will this end?

Dear Universe,
My apologies for adding some negative energy to you but I'm feeling really pissed and I need to vent. You or someone must really be effing me or perhaps I did some really bad things in this life or a previous life.

Regardless I'd like an explanation for some things. Why is it a person like me, who loves to travel, gets to only go on three-day trips once or twice a year and then suffers for days afterward? I'm on my third day of a sore throat, unrelieved exhaustion and on the verge of tears after a three-day-weekend trip to Boston. Of course, you set it up so that I moved away from all my friends and family so I have to travel to see anyone I care about beyond my husband and kids. Oh, and don't get me started about this stay at home mom business. You know that's always been my nightmare. Yeah, having kids is great but having a job outside of the home is what made me feel like I was productive and contributing something to this world. I defined myself with a job title and my education before I got sick. Now I'm dependent on my husband for money, companionship and help caring for the kids. Yeah, just want an independent-minded feminist wanted out of life.

So, I'd probably be alright with all of this except for one thing. When you took away my ability to work, travel, hike, and think clearly, you didn't take away my desire to do these things. Every once in awhile I say the heck with it and do something I really shouldn't. Then, bam, you hit me with the swollen glands, sore throat, fatigue and, if I'm having a really bad day, the fibromyalgia pain. Kind of like you're telling me "told you so." So, what am I supposed to do with this restless energy, the desire to achieve and to go out there and use these abilities I know I'm blessed with? What grand lesson do I need to learn to get you to grant me healing? What am I supposed to do with my life now? I've been sick for over eight years now and I keep hoping that something is going to change and that I'll see some improvement. I've tried so many different diets, supplements, healers and medications. I've been subjected to blood tests, MRIs, CAT scans and research studies. Yet, I'm still at square one.

I know that I'll never be the old me again. That's pretty clear. However, it would be nice to be like an average 38-year-old. I'm not asking to win marathons, I just want to be able to work, take care of my kids and do some activities that enrich my soul. I really don't think that's asking a lot.

In conclusion, poop pants.

Sincerely,
Sleepy Mama Cat

My therapist is nuts

No really... after tonight's session I really have to wonder if this therapist I'm seeing is nuts. First, a quick background: I've been feeling out of sorts the past few months, crying at the drop of a hat, been discouraged, suffering from insomnia and wondering if I'll ever get healthy again. Finally, I decided enough was enough and started to check out therapists in the area. By checking out, I mean I e-mailed them and asked if they'd worked with patients that had CFS. One woman really stood out for me since she works with clients that have chronic illnesses and she used to be a nurse. I figured she'd understand what I was going through and be able to provide some useful tools. Tonight was our second session. I was telling her how rough last week had been for me with my husband gone and how I was so tired. I also talked about how hard it is to reconcile my current life with what I'd planned. She asked me what I thought was pretty obvious: "Do you think you might be feeling depressed?" DUH! I thought I'd mentioned that. I kept my calm though and stated that yes, I did think I was depressed and probably had been since my diagnosis over six years ago. So, she told me perhaps I should consider seeing a psychiatrist since they deal with mood and all. Um, why exactly am I seeing you?

Well, not being one to let an appointment go to waste I did inquire if she'd had a chance to get that list of neurologists for me. She had suggested at our first appointment that I see one since I've been suffering short-term memory loss, difficulty concentrating, headaches and issues with balance. I thought it couldn't hurt so I asked her for any recommendations. At this appointment she mumbled about some doctor's name and then picked up her cell phone to call her friend for a recommendation. Wasn't she supposed to do this before my appointment? Anyway, I have a recommendation in hand that I will call so this wasn't a complete loss.

I walked out of there feeling frustrated and negative. I don't know what her plan is for helping me out here and I don't know if she really gets me. I have to keep telling her my main illness is the chronic fatigue syndrome and not fibromyalgia. I made another appointment with her for a couple of weeks from now but I plan on getting an appointment with someone else in the meantime. If that person proves to be more helpful I'm no longer going to see this woman. I just don't see her as being very useful to me. I'm not sure what exactly I need but it's not what she's offering.