I don't get it. Why me? When will this end?

Dear Universe,
My apologies for adding some negative energy to you but I'm feeling really pissed and I need to vent. You or someone must really be effing me or perhaps I did some really bad things in this life or a previous life.

Regardless I'd like an explanation for some things. Why is it a person like me, who loves to travel, gets to only go on three-day trips once or twice a year and then suffers for days afterward? I'm on my third day of a sore throat, unrelieved exhaustion and on the verge of tears after a three-day-weekend trip to Boston. Of course, you set it up so that I moved away from all my friends and family so I have to travel to see anyone I care about beyond my husband and kids. Oh, and don't get me started about this stay at home mom business. You know that's always been my nightmare. Yeah, having kids is great but having a job outside of the home is what made me feel like I was productive and contributing something to this world. I defined myself with a job title and my education before I got sick. Now I'm dependent on my husband for money, companionship and help caring for the kids. Yeah, just want an independent-minded feminist wanted out of life.

So, I'd probably be alright with all of this except for one thing. When you took away my ability to work, travel, hike, and think clearly, you didn't take away my desire to do these things. Every once in awhile I say the heck with it and do something I really shouldn't. Then, bam, you hit me with the swollen glands, sore throat, fatigue and, if I'm having a really bad day, the fibromyalgia pain. Kind of like you're telling me "told you so." So, what am I supposed to do with this restless energy, the desire to achieve and to go out there and use these abilities I know I'm blessed with? What grand lesson do I need to learn to get you to grant me healing? What am I supposed to do with my life now? I've been sick for over eight years now and I keep hoping that something is going to change and that I'll see some improvement. I've tried so many different diets, supplements, healers and medications. I've been subjected to blood tests, MRIs, CAT scans and research studies. Yet, I'm still at square one.

I know that I'll never be the old me again. That's pretty clear. However, it would be nice to be like an average 38-year-old. I'm not asking to win marathons, I just want to be able to work, take care of my kids and do some activities that enrich my soul. I really don't think that's asking a lot.

In conclusion, poop pants.

Sincerely,
Sleepy Mama Cat

Getting Started

My first day as a blogger... yay! I should probably write something profound and catchy so that I can develop a group of followers who will hang on my every word, eagerly awaiting my next post. However, as usual, I'm too sleepy to think of anything like that. And, let's be honest, what percentage of blogs out there meet that criteria? I'm guessing not that many.

So, this is day five of my week from hell. My husband left us on Sunday afternoon for some work-related conference in Phoenix. Until he gets back on Saturday night, I'm here with my two kids (one is 3 1/2 and the other is 17 months old), four cats, a dog, two tanks of freshwater fish and not a shred of sanity left. I haven't really slept at all this week. My amazing, vibrating dog had a seizure early Monday morning and the rest of the nights I've had to cater to my son's night time needs - sitting potty, drinks of water and soothing night terrors. I battle insomnia as it is. Getting up in the middle of the night means I fall asleep again a couple of hours later after whatever crisis has been dealt with. It didn't help that last night my son was screaming at me that my breath was stinky. Gee, I should've thought to pop a breath mint during my sprint down the hall. Silly me.

Anyway, due to this lack of sleep I've been on the verge of tears at any given moment and my patience is nonexistent. The kids wonder where the nice mommy went to and when she'll be coming back. Coffee is my only friend. The cats are contributing to the madness by not using the litterbox and the dog is dog is redecorating the kitchen with goodies she finds in the garbage can. Yet, I love these animals and won't give them up even though my son and I are allergic to them. I must be crazy.

So, my big question for today is where did the strong, independent woman of my twenties go to? When did I become so needy and dependent on my husband? It seemed like once upon a time I could handle just about any crisis. I was going to take on the world. I was the one friends and family turned to for support. Now I'm the one who needs the help and feel like I can't function without my husband here to help out. I know that a large part of this is due to my having chronic fatigue syndrome, leaving me with an extremely low supply of energy but it's still hard to accept that. This is not where I expected to find myself at 36.