Quick update for any one who didn't know - I have a boot cast on my lower leg and foot since I managed to fracture my second toe thanks to EA Active. Yeah, I know, exercise is bad for health and all. However, I do miss it. I have to wear this cast for 4-6 weeks. I've only had it on four days and I'm sick of it. At least I can take it off at bedtime and for showers but the rest of the time it's heavy and makes me lurch from side to side as I have no shoes with an equivalent heel. Anyway, it's making me grumpy and irritable.
I was going to give up coffee again today but here I am drinking another cup of the crap because I feel so yucky and crave the energy. I swore yesterday that I was going to return to hard core paleo diet today meaning I had to eliminate coffee and corn from my diet again. I let myself slide a little about a month ago and around Easter even had dairy in my coffee. Yes, I felt really unhealthy from that dairy and I know my body doesn't handle it well so I won't feel too much of a loss giving that up. However, my body has grown used to the caffeine kick from the coffee and just the ritual and comfort of having a cuppa in the afternoon. Tough but I gotta give the stuff up.
By the way, forgive me if I sound like I have ADHD today. I've got a lot of things to talk about and they have nothing to do with each other.
On to the topic of motherhood. I think I suck at it. Seriously. I'm so tired all the time. I have no patience. I long for uninterrupted time to myself. I hate repeating myself. I'm achy and it hurts to do things like change diapers or get a child dressed. So, what the heck was I thinking? I seriously feel burned out and ready to jump into the car and just drive somewhere. Ah, just think, sunroof open, my music playing loudly through the speakers, sunglasses on, no looking back. I love my kids and would miss them terribly. However, the constant worrying, need to discipline and pay attention to them is very wearing on me. I'm actually looking forward to my cats' vet appointment tonight. I'm taking two cats in so I get to stay twice as long. Woo hoo! Oh, and I get to talk to grown ups and pretend that I still have a functioning brain. Sweet. Anyway, it's just that I hear myself yelling all the time and saying sarcastic things to the kids. I'm worried that my words are just as damaging to them as a spanking would be. No, I've never spanked the little imps (though I think about it a lot) but that doesn't mean I haven't scarred them in other ways (I fear) with the screaming and mean things I say. However, yesterday Joshua told me that I'm a "nice mommy." I asked him if he thought that even when I was mean and he told me that I'm always nice. Hmmmm... his allergy medicines must make him a little woozy.
I know that I totally need anger management skills and I need to get a life outside of the home. However, I am so tired by the time they're in bed I think I'd fall asleep behind the wheel if I did go anywhere. I'm going to see a rheumatologist next month to see if he can help with the chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. If he does, I'm going to put him into my will. Seriously. I'm so fed up with not being able to do anything.
One spot of good news here. Despite not exercising lately and not watching my food intake as well as normal, I managed to lose another pound over the past couple of weeks. Maybe those shorts I haven't been able to squeeze into comfortably for the past few years may just fit again. I believe that Van Halen t-shirt is definitely wearable now too. Yay!
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