In the business of making jewelry

I am so excited these days and busy as heck since deciding to sell the jewelry I make. My goal is to have an Etsy shop set up and ready for business by August 31, 2011. In the meantime, I have a gallery of jewelry designs at http://carolynrosejonesjewelry.weebly.com
I'm also writing a blog on that site that is just about my jewelry and the process of creating an Etsy shop. Please feel free to check it out. In the meantime, here is a taste of what kind of jewelry I've been making lately.
The spirals are handmade by me and the swarovski crystals are attached to the copper chain using wire I wrapped myself. It took me most of the day yesterday to make but I really am pleased with the results so the time was worth it.

In Memory of Hali

Hali died on Wednesday due to heart failure. She was nine years old and I had hoped to have many more years with her. However, it wasn't meant to be. As a way of sharing how special Hali was to me, here is the story I wrote about her for the kids.

One summer day in 2002, Doug was outside talking to a neighbor. Carolyn looked outside to see what Doug was doing and saw a cat in the yard. Her first reaction was fear because the cat looked similar to Sahara. Carolyn rushed outside to tell Doug to help her get Sahara. However, when they both looked at the cat they realized that Carolyn was mistaken. It wasn’t Sahara it was another little brown cat. This little cat was not tame like Sahara so when they approached it, the little cat ran away as fast as it could.

Carolyn returned into the house thinking about that little cat. She realized how sad she would be if that cat truly had been Sahara. Then she started thinking about how unfair it was for that little cat to be stuck outside with no one to care for it. So, she watched for it to come back and after she saw it in the backyard a few more times she decided she and Doug had to do something to help the cat. Doug knew where this was going when Carolyn asked if she could start feeding it. He began preparing himself for adding a fourth cat to the household, even as Carolyn claimed that she just wanted to capture it and get it to a shelter. However, they went ahead and started putting food out for the little cat, which they named “Kitty” until they could get to know it better.

Every day Carolyn would pour some cat food in a bowl and take that and a bowl of water outside to a quiet, shady place in the backyard. She’d put the bowls in a crate with towels and sit on the other side of the yard waiting for Kitty to show up. Every day Kitty would creep into the backyard, stare at Carolyn and cautiously start to eat the food. As long as Carolyn stayed still and didn’t try to get any closer Kitty would eat and drink and then wash her paws clean before running away to wherever she was living.

It was obvious that she didn’t have a home and Carolyn worried about her as the days grew shorter and cooler. Doug and Carolyn were going to be married soon and this cat was no closer to being rescued. Before leaving on their honeymoon they asked their neighbors to continue feeding Kitty while they were gone.

When they returned, Carolyn was ready to take the next step with Kitty. She borrowed a trap from the local animal shelter and put a can of tuna fish in it. It didn’t take long for Kitty to walk into the cage to eat, the trap door swung closed and Carolyn was able to bring her into the house. She had already scheduled a vet appointment for the next day so Kitty only had to spend one uncomfortable night in the cage.

After an examination and medical treatment, the vet told Carolyn that it was good she rescued Kitty as she was very sick and would not have been able to live outside much longer. Carolyn brought the Kitty home and called a local shelter asking them if they could take Kitty. They told her that she would have to tame Kitty and get her to trust humans before they would take her. So, Doug and Carolyn kept Kitty out on the sun porch with food and water while they tried to tame her. During the cool nights, Doug ran a space heater to keep Kitty warm and Carolyn played a radio so Kitty would become used to human voices. After awhile Kitty would let Carolyn get closer to her while she ate but she wasn’t ready to trust her yet. During this time, Kitty got a real name – Halifax – but everyone called her Hali. It got colder and colder and even the space heater wasn’t keeping the porch warm enough so Doug and Carolyn brought Hali inside. Hali was scared of everyone except for Ralphie. They were kept separated at first so Hali could get used to the house first but they meowed to each other under the door. Once they were allowed to play together they became very close friends. Hali trusted Ralphie before she trusted the people in the house.

By now, it was becoming apparent that this cat would never be sent to a shelter. As the months and years went by and she did start to trust and love the people in the house they began to trust and love her too. It became all too clear that they could never give her away and that she had found her home. Hali went from a feral cat to one who would sleep on the bed and snuggle on a lap. She was still easily scared and slow to trust but Carolyn accomplished her goal many times over of getting the little cat to purr and to be happy. And that made everyone in the house happy.

-------------------------

Here is a picture of Ralphie and Hali together. He is having a really rough time of it and is in mourning since she died.
I'm having a particularly hard time dealing with the loss of her too. I was the only person in the whole world that she trusted enough to pick her up. Back when the cats were allowed in the whole house, and not confined to the one room, I was the only lap she would choose to snuggle in and the only person she would sleep on the bed with. I felt like we had a special connection as she helped me get through my overwhelming depression when I was first diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome. She gave me a reason to get up each morning.Each time I heard her purr or saw her rubbing her face against a piece of furniture out of sheer joy it made my heart feel so happy too. Rest in peace Hali.

Feeling better and better and better! No, really!

Two weeks ago I hit what I would call desperate straits. I've had fibromyalgia for eight years now but two weeks ago I reached the point where I felt like I couldn't take it anymore. I could barely manage to brush my hair because it hurt so much. Getting the kids dressed was a horrible form of torture. My posture was bad because I was hunched over from all the pain. I had been considering going back to a chiropractor who had promised me in the past he could fix my pain but I wasn't sure if I was ready. He insisted on strict adherence to the paleo diet (no sugar, grains, dairy, processed or fried foods, legumes, soy or potatoes) and it was too hard for me in the past, although I did give it my best shot last year before sliding back into my old ways by the end of the year.

However, I reached the point where I figured I had nothing to lose and drove over to the chiropractor's office. He performed some adjustments and handed me a sheet that completely changed my way of eating. Only 3 oz. protein first thing in the a.m. (I choose to eat nitrate-free turkey bacon). An hour later I was to eat an orange and a banana. Three hours after my first protein I had to have 3-5 more oz. of protein. An hour after that some fruit. At lunch I could have vegetables with my 3-5 oz. of protein (I choose to have a big leafy green salad with carrots, cucumbers and avocados). No more fruit after 2 p.m. Mid-afternoon, supper and right before bedtime I was to have another meal of 3-5 oz. of protein with some vegetables. I drink 64 oz. or more of fluids a day.Oh, and I can have one cup of organic coffee as long as it's before 10 a.m. Crazy, but being allowed that one cup seems to make this whole things seem much more feasible!

Over the past two weeks, to my surprise, I have seen an almost complete elimination of my fibromyalgia pain. The chiropractor claims that much of my fibromyalgia pain is due to inflammation in the body. That inflammation is brought on by eating the grains, sugar, processed foods, etc. and is healed by following his diet plan. I was skeptical, especially with some of his hocus pocus, but I can't explain how else my pain would be so dramatically affected. It's nice to see that I've lost the five pounds I gained between Thanksgiving and Christmas. In addition, I'm slowly but surely seeing an increase in energy. I'm no longer crashing when I try to do things like take the kids to the zoo for a couple of hours, or doing some shopping. I'm not 100% but the chiropractor is confident that my fatigue won't be affecting me in 2 months. Hearing this is hard to swallow. My fatigue has kept me disabled, unable to work for over nine years. I can't even imagine what it will feel like to wake up feeling refreshed and rested in the morning. However, I finally have some hope that I might.

Unlike my medical doctors he isn't throwing pills and tons of supplements at me. I take two supplements - one with B vitamins and iron and another to repair my digestion - supposedly I wasn't digesting food properly and getting the nutrients I need.That's all and it doesn't cost much compared to all the supplements other doctors had me buying.

Anyway, I'm feeling some optimism for the first time in years. Finally, someone is offering me something constructive I can do to improve my health. I'm not treating just the symptoms, I'm healing my body and hopefully overcoming my illnesses.

This isn't easy. I do miss things like chocolate cake and big bowls of macaroni and cheese. However, I can't imagine anything more valuable than having my health back. Therefore, I am more than willing to make the sacrifice.

I will try to post an update in a couple of months to let you know if I've seen any further improvement.

Happy New Year! My Resolution: 2011 is not Going to Suck

Yes, that's my resolution - 2011 is not going to suck big hairy elephant balls. 2010 wasn't a complete loss but at times it seemed that the darkness would suffocate any sparks of goodness and light I was experiencing in my life. So, here's my summary of the year and I'll end with what I hope to see happening in the next twelve months of my life.

2010 was a year of loss. One of my closest friends in high school lost his battle with lung cancer in the beginning of the year. We had lost touch over the years and I actually felt a great deal of anger towards him in the years between high school and this year. However, due to Facebook, I managed to reconnect with him and, thus, let go of some of that bitterness before it was too late. In addition, I had the closure I needed by going to his memorial service in August. I miss Dave and I can't imagine how his family is going on without him.

Shortly after Dave passed away a college friend of mine died from a brain aneurysm. I was not very close to Will but we had classes together, worked at the college radio station and occasionally had a beer together at one of the downtown bars. One of my clearest (yet most mortifying) memories of him was when he and his band were performing at one of my favorite college bars. He saw me in the audience, convinced his band mates to play a Led Zeppelin (one of my favorite bands at the time) song and yanked me up on the stage to sing. I croaked out a few words before I ran off stage and tried to blend back into the crowd. We definitely lost touch after college but he is definitely part of my history and it was shocking to hear of his death via Facebook.

I lost another dear friend this year - my dog Molly. She was a tough dog to love and care for but she was so full of love and warmth that it helped me to overlook her many shortcomings. She taught me what it meant to be loved by a dog and it was wonderful to have her by my side as we hiked through the woods. One of my fondest memories is of us running down a trail together and leaping over a fallen log, both of us with the biggest grins on our faces.

I have had many moments of despair this year. The pain, exhaustion and sleep deprivation have been crippling at times yet I don't have the luxury to take a break from everyday demands to curl up in bed and try to heal. The children must be cared for, the house has to stay somewhat respectable and the animals need me. However, some days it is so hard to just think of what the next step is going to be in getting through the day and then some stress happens to add to the mess - one of the kids needs to go to the doctor, something breaks in the house, someone (child or animal) has a toilet accident, etc. I'm like an alcoholic just trying to get by one day at a time (or even one hour at a time). I'm so frustrated most days with my limitations and I get angry that doctors haven't figured out how to fix me yet. When do I get to start living life again?

On a more positive note, I took control of my health in a way that I could. I lost 25 pounds and went from a size 12 to a size 6 thanks to changes in my diet and increased exercise. I have been sliding on the healthy eating and exercise for the past few months and I'm feeling it in terms of poorer health but I'm still wearing my size 6 clothes and that is something to be proud of. It has increased my self-esteem somewhat and I know that it's good for my health in the long run.

In terms of personal development I didn't do as much writing as I would've liked but I did find an outlet for my creativity this year. It doesn't take up too much of my time and it doesn't involve a lot of cleanup. In addition, sometimes I can do it when the kids are awake. I love to make beaded jewelry. I haven't done much - a bracelet and necklace for my daughter, a bracelet for Joshua's friend, a necklace for mom and an earrings and necklace set for me - but it's a start. I love figuring out what colors to use and then creating a pattern of sorts. The final product always makes me smile.

I also read a lot of good books this past year. I can't remember most of them and, in fact, I could probably easily pick them back up and read them all over again and they'd be like a new book to me. However, the time spent reading was a wonderful outlet for me and I'm grateful that I have this love of books and that it can help me escape now and then.

One of the brightest spots in my life this year was adopting a labrador retriever from the local animal shelter. Daisy is an amazing dog. She's also a pain in the ass at times but she has almost converted me from being a cat person to a dog person. Not quite but I definitely love her to pieces.

I'd like to think I helped people through my online support group for moms with chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. I'm not sure how much it has helped me this year but it's good to know that I'm doing something for others.

Now here's what I'm hoping for in the coming year. Obviously, I'd like an answer to what's wrong with me and I'd like for it to be something that can be fixed. I'm still holding out hope that the upcoming sleep study will provide some valuable information. I was supposed to do the study on December 26 but it got canceled due to the weather. So, I'm rescheduled for January 10 and 11 and I'm still going in there with optimism.

I'd like to find a way to manage my anger more effectively. I'm tired of yelling and losing my temper with the kids and Doug. The kids have learned how to push my buttons way too well.

I would like to discover more about myself this year. What do I want to be now that my limitations seem permanent? How can I still make this life I've been given meaningful and valuable? I need to find a way to have pride in who I am. My soul will not be happy until I can recognize my own worth.

Oh, and I'd like for us to win the lottery so we can stop fretting about money so much.

Happy New Year friends. I hope 2011 doesn't suck for you either.

Happy Hanukkah!

I realize that I haven't posted in months. I guess there just hasn't been much to write about. I've started doing some beading to give me a creative outlet and because I've always loved jewelry. Here is a bracelet I made for a friend's daughter. She loves the colors orange and blue and basketball. Voila!
On another crafty note I was inspired by mommy mae's blog to create a decoration for Hanukkah. This is what I ended up creating.Each night the kids will "light" a new candle by placing a felt flame on the appropriate candle. Kinda cool, eh?

Well, I have a cold, a low-grade fever and I only slept three hours last night. I still have to get supper on the table, light the menorah and give presents to the kids and husband so I will keep this short for now. I'll write more in the future.

First Day of Kindergarten

Joshua had his first day of kindergarten today. Yes, I'm okay. No, really, I didn't cry or run after the bus. However, I would like to know when they started allowing babies to attend school. Sigh, is he really five years old already? Some days I feel like it was just yesterday that I was stressing over when he'd finally master the art of rolling over and other days it feels like his infancy is a lifetime ago. Regardless, I'd just like to say here that I am so proud of the little boy he's become and I can't wait to see how he continues to develop. Nothing makes my heart sing as much as when he grabs my hand and tells me he loves me (ok, my daughter does that to me too). Anyway, I would just like to state for the record that I am so glad that I had him and his sister and I can't imagine what life would've been like if I didn't have them.

In crazy cat lady news, I pulled Ralphie and Lucy (one at a time) out of the cat room today, strapped a harness on them and took them into the backyard. It's been way too long since I've brushed them and all the cats have suffered as a result. My allergies to cats have become worse and I can't stand to be in that room for more than a few minutes at a time thanks to my eyes getting itchy and watery and my throat getting congested. Perhaps it's because that room is rarely cleaned and the dander just gets so concentrated. Regardless, I felt bad that they had been so neglected as of late so taking them outside seemed like a good idea. They loved the fresh air and the attention and I enjoyed being able to pet them without reacting. Of course, I changed my shirt once we returned inside so as not to expose Joshua to the nasty stuff. I just wish Sahara hadn't fought the harness so much as she really needed a brushing. I didn't think I could get her outside since she was thrashing around as soon as I tried to fasten the buckle.

Anyway, despite having a cold and ragweed allergies I think I'm feeling pretty good today. I'm looking forward to joining a friend for dinner tonight. I know I'll be pretty wiped out afterward but it will be worth it. Oh, and I'm going to have french fries dammit.

I don't get it. Why me? When will this end?

Dear Universe,
My apologies for adding some negative energy to you but I'm feeling really pissed and I need to vent. You or someone must really be effing me or perhaps I did some really bad things in this life or a previous life.

Regardless I'd like an explanation for some things. Why is it a person like me, who loves to travel, gets to only go on three-day trips once or twice a year and then suffers for days afterward? I'm on my third day of a sore throat, unrelieved exhaustion and on the verge of tears after a three-day-weekend trip to Boston. Of course, you set it up so that I moved away from all my friends and family so I have to travel to see anyone I care about beyond my husband and kids. Oh, and don't get me started about this stay at home mom business. You know that's always been my nightmare. Yeah, having kids is great but having a job outside of the home is what made me feel like I was productive and contributing something to this world. I defined myself with a job title and my education before I got sick. Now I'm dependent on my husband for money, companionship and help caring for the kids. Yeah, just want an independent-minded feminist wanted out of life.

So, I'd probably be alright with all of this except for one thing. When you took away my ability to work, travel, hike, and think clearly, you didn't take away my desire to do these things. Every once in awhile I say the heck with it and do something I really shouldn't. Then, bam, you hit me with the swollen glands, sore throat, fatigue and, if I'm having a really bad day, the fibromyalgia pain. Kind of like you're telling me "told you so." So, what am I supposed to do with this restless energy, the desire to achieve and to go out there and use these abilities I know I'm blessed with? What grand lesson do I need to learn to get you to grant me healing? What am I supposed to do with my life now? I've been sick for over eight years now and I keep hoping that something is going to change and that I'll see some improvement. I've tried so many different diets, supplements, healers and medications. I've been subjected to blood tests, MRIs, CAT scans and research studies. Yet, I'm still at square one.

I know that I'll never be the old me again. That's pretty clear. However, it would be nice to be like an average 38-year-old. I'm not asking to win marathons, I just want to be able to work, take care of my kids and do some activities that enrich my soul. I really don't think that's asking a lot.

In conclusion, poop pants.

Sincerely,
Sleepy Mama Cat

Paleo Diet - Success by the Numbers

I have concrete proof that the paleo diet has been beneficial to my health. In addition to losing 25 pounds since January, check out my recent blood test results:
Total cholesterol: 138
Triglycerides: 69
HDL cholesterol: 54
LDL cholesterol: 70

This is simply amazing to me because just a few years ago my total cholesterol was in the 220s and my HDL was very low. I would say this is a very positive turn around. And this is happening with a diet that is heavy in the dark turkey and chicken parts, and beef. Go figure. In addition, I was very pleased, and relieved, to see that even my levels of calcium were perfect even though I don't consume any dairy products.

Ok, so why do I still feel crappy? Other than the mysteriously high levels of cortisol my blood test results were all normal. I have my new lab slip now. I will be eager to see what the results of that round of testing reveals. I think I will wait a week or so to get the test done though as Doug is traveling next week and I'll be on my own. I don't need to stress my system during that time.

Exhausted or Hurting? Pick one.

With much trepidation I decided to try a new medication over the weekend called Nuvigil. It's made by the same company that makes Provigil - something I tried without success in 2002. However, my doctor assured me that I wouldn't have the same jolting experience that I had with Provigil and I was desperate to find a way to fight past this exhaustion and get things done again. So, on Saturday, I took the first pill. Saturday was amazing. I felt like I had energy and felt really good about life. I got a lot of shopping done, played with the kids and took the dog for a walk. To my great relief, I was able to sleep that night. I'd suffered from terrible insomnia while on Provigil so I'd been fully prepared to be awake for days on this new stuff.

When I started the new medication I read the information and it said I shouldn't have caffeine or alcohol. Now, if I'd known this I would've been tapering off of the caffeine for a few days but instead I quit it cold turkey. I suffered some nasty withdrawal symptoms like headaches and irritability but I figured it was all for the good. After all, coffee and chocolate aren't exactly part of the Paleo diet and everything I read tells me to avoid caffeine when you have CFS. So, here was my excuse to give it up. So, when the back ache developed on Sunday and spread from my neck across my shoulders I figured it was withdrawal symptoms. However, last night it woke me up at 3:30 in the a.m. The pain had moved down my back and down my legs and it hurt like nothing I've ever experienced before. This morning the pain was still here but I soldiered on - what else could I do? My husband couldn't exactly stay home from work and the kids and animals had to be cared for. It hurt to brush my hair so I hope I didn't look too scary at Joshua's OT appointment. I didn't even bother with makeup.

There could be several reasons for this pain. Our mattress is very old and sagging and provides absolutely no support. I think we're past the point where flipping and rotating it again will be futile. A second possibility is that the storms rolling in this a.m. caused a terrible fibro flare but one like I've never had so bad before. Finally, it could be the Nuvigil. According to their prescribing info one of the possible side effects is back pain. This was my suspicion, so I called my doctor who prescribed this to get her opinion. I was going to wait until my phone consult on Thursday but the pain just got too overwhelming to delay any discussion. She didn't think the Nuvigil could be the cause since she hadn't had any other patients complain about it. However, she recommended that I take a break from it for a couple of days and then try it again to see if it's the cause of the pain. I'm just pleased to know that this is something I won't have to worry about weaning myself off of.

I am feeling frustrated. Although it wasn't a 100% cure for me it did give me an extra boost of energy so that I could function. I'm still not in a place where I could be an active mommy with my kids but at least now they have clean toilets in the house and I feel like I can do a few fun things with them. Now it looks like I may have to choose between having that energy and being incapacitated with pain (Tylenol helps a little but doesn't make it go away completely), or not being in pain and just being a slug again. Please excuse the yelling. NOT FAIR!!!

In other news, as of today, I've lost 25 pounds since the beginning of January. I am so pleased with this and really feel good about how I look. I'm wearing a sheath dress to my cousin's wedding on Saturday and I won't have to worry about any wacky bulges and I won't have to sweat in control underwear. If only the weight loss had translated to a complete improvement in my health but I guess I couldn't get that lucky. Maybe now that I'm back to gluten-free I'll start feeling better. Oh, speaking of that, I have a phone consult on Thursday afternoon with the doctor who ordered those blood tests. I'll be sure to post the results of that conversation.

Off the Paleo Diet for One Week - Eek!

My CFS doctor recently sent me a lab slip to get some blood work done. I'm also supposed to get some blood work for the endocrinologist done sometime over the summer. Now seemed as good a time as any so I scheduled an appointment for this Saturday at the local lab. Today, I took the time to actually look at the doctor's lab slip and on there is a request for the Celiac disease test. Basically, it looks to see if there are any antibodies to gluten in my blood. One small problem - I haven't had any gluten except for the very rare oops since January. So, the chance of there being any antibodies in my blood, even if I do have Celiac,is pretty slim. So, what's a girl to do? Eat gluten!!! Yep, I'm going on a binge for the next four days, eating Chinese food, vegan baked goodies from Whole Foods Market and whatever else I can find! Yippee!

Of course, once I have the blood test on Saturday the gluttony must come to an end. I've lost 24 pounds since January and can fit into a size 6 dress again. I feel really good about the way I look and I do have a tad more energy during the day - not bunches of energy but a tad more. Another thing, if I feel really terrible even after just a day of this, I'm going to stop eating gluten immediately. There's no point in putting myself through hell to prove something I already know.

In other news, the honeymoon period with Daisy came to an abrupt end last week but we're starting to reach a truce of kinds and I think things are going to work out with her. Turns out that the first week we had her, she had kennel cough and a fever. So, her calm demeanor and constant sleeping was due to illness not personality. Last week, when she started feeling better after a course of antibiotics, she decided to start testing me to see who was dominant. She mounted the kids and humped them, snarled and snapped at me when I tried to take a stick away from her and refused to listen to my commands. I made my husband take her to the vet since her behavior change was so dramatic but they assured me it wasn't due to any health problems. Our whole way of doing things had to change. I'm in charge of feeding her at all times so that she sees me as vital to her life. In addition, nothing comes for free to her anymore. She has to sit on command before she gets food, let out in the yard, given a toy or even to be petted. Amazingly, this seems to have worked the proper change in her. I still don't trust her to be alone with the kids, I have to supervise constantly, but she seems to have figured out that she's at the bottom of our pecking order in this pack. Everyone is dominant to her and she seems fine with that. I can only imagine that as time goes by and we continue to work on her training she will bloom into an exceptionally wonderful dog.

I got lucky... at the shelter!

This is Daisy a lovely dog we adopted from the shelter on Friday, June 4. We were told that she's two and a half years old and that she was a Labrador Retriever possibly mixed with beagle. I took her to the vet this morning for her checkup and shots and the vet told me that this dog was 100% Labrador Retriever, not a mix. Imagine my surprise! I did not expect to find a purebred dog at the shelter. Of course, even if she was a Heinz 57 dog I would still be so happy with our find. Now, part of this personality she has may be due to being spayed just on Thursday. It's possible that some of the drugs they used are still circulating through her system. However, I really remember her being this way at the shelter when we first met her so I'm really hoping that this is just her sweet nature.

Daisy is in need of some obedience training but she is so eager to learn. She really wants to please us and does her best to understand what "sit" and "down" mean. She is crate-trained, house-trained and just wants as much love from people as she can get. Somehow though, she knows that Doug is the type of person who loves to get smothered in doggie kisses yet I don't. Although she has mouthed Doug (with a very soft touch) she hasn't even tried that on me. She doesn't seem to bark as we haven't heard her make one yet. She is very sedate and gentle around the children and tolerates all their crazy, giddy behavior. I never expected that I would find this type of personality in such a young dog and one who was in a shelter. I can honestly say that I love this dog and, although I'll always be a crazy cat lady, I'm completely nuts over this girl.

Right now we're just working on getting her to feel more comfortable with all the changes that have occurred in her life this week. She was surrendered to the shelter last Saturday (the same day we went there!), had major surgery on Thursday, was brought to a new home with new people on Friday and, then, she was hit with a ton of vaccinations on Saturday. I'm hoping that as she gets more comfortable with us, and recovers more from her surgery, the need to pee every two hours or so will get scaled back to a more normal frequency. The vet tested for diabetes and she was normal so the vet thinks she will be fine in just a few days. In the meantime, it's like having a new baby in the house - Doug and I aren't getting much sleep! However, it truly does seem worth it already. Just having a sweet dog to take for walks and to have fall asleep next to me while I stroke her head and ears is so wonderful.

What makes me happy

I have a quirky sense of home decorating. I don't have a particular style unless you'd care to call it lazy eclectic. I don't follow trends and things sometimes don't always go together. However, when I see something I like I buy it and hope it will somehow fit in.

I've been longing for a new kitchen clock ever since we bought this house almost seven years ago. I know, seven years is plenty of time to pick out a kitchen clock. However, it was never a priority. Once the kids came along decorating really took a back shelf to toys and diapers. The last couple of months I've been staring at the clock on the wall in the kitchen and hating it's existence. It was left behind by the previous owners for a good reason. It was a beige, cheap, plastic thing that would've fit into any utilitarian office environment. Given that I spend a good part of my day in the kitchen cooking and serving food, it really was bringing me down to have this ugly thing hanging over me.

I started browsing around the internet and finally found what I was looking for on www.etsy.com. If you're not familiar with this site you have to check it out! It's like going to a craft festival that's available 24/7. It's all handmade and vintage items and the prices are fairly reasonable depending on how "fine" the art is.

Here is the little piece of happiness that I found for $30:

How can I not smile when I look at this? The good part is the colors are perfect in my kitchen since, other than the boring white walls and cabinets I'm going with a blue and yellow color scheme. Now, I know that this isn't going to be everyone's cup of tea but, darn it, the clock makes me happy and that's all that matters. And that stupid beige clock is happily settled at the bottom of my garbage can.

Best Mother's Day Gift Ever

Wait, what is that sound? It's the sound of sweet silence. My husband has taken the two kids out to the grocery store and I am home all alone. I love silence and having time to myself and I'm rarely afforded the luxury of either. The silence is crucial for my being able to think, to dream and to just rediscover myself. When I'm with the kids it's all about living from one crisis to the next and just trying to keep from crying from the insanity of the everyday act of mothering. As a mother of two children five and under, I rarely have a moment to stop and reflect on my life and what's important. After the past two weeks when my husband was traveling and I was on my own here with the two kids I seriously felt like I was in trouble. I was exhausted, dizzy and shaking by the time I got both of them in bed and I didn't get the refreshing sleep I needed to wake up the next day and feel better about things.

The first thing I did after the car pulled out of the garage this afternoon was to sit outside despite the chilly wind whipping through the yard. I listened to the birds singing and watched them fly from one branch of a tree to another. I watched the swaying of those tree branches and listened to the wind shake the leaves. I just absorbed all that greenness and life appreciating the pattern of sunlight on those leaves and how amazing the green looked against the bright blue of the sky. The moment was not spoiled by the noise of any cars driving by, people or children yelling. I just had the world of nature to myself and for that I am extremely grateful. I do believe that people need that connection with nature, feeling the earth beneath us and the sun warming our skin. I know I need that to feel alive and whole. I wish I had the time to indulge in it more often.

It has been a lovely mother's day for me. My children both made and bought me wonderful gifts and cards and gave me extra hugs and kisses (those are other essential ingredients in my life's survival kit - couldn't live without my children's hugs and kisses) and my husband fixed me breakfast and took care of the dishes.

I also had a really wonderful time shopping on my own yesterday. I bought a new dress and, drum roll please, it's a size 6. YES!!!

Feeling Out of Sorts

I'm not happy. I've got so much going on, I don't even know where to start. This cast on my foot business is really messing my life up. Guess I shouldn't have gotten a stress fracture on the toe, eh? Well, I did and I have to wear this cast for another few weeks. It doesn't weigh more than a pound or two but lugging it around all day makes it feel like twenty. I think that's contributing to my feeling of fatigue. On top of that, it throws my balance off and my spine is getting out of alignment. My neck and shoulders ache as well as my hips. This constant, unrelenting ache and the pain in my toe that travels up my foot, is making me one cranky momma. In the past, a good session of EA Active would've helped elevate my mood but can't do that for awhile. So, the stress just accumulates.

I worry that I'm not resting enough for the stupid toe to heal and that I'll end up having to wear this stupid cast for even longer. As a mother of two young children I just don't have the opportunity to put my feet up and rest. I don't dare take them outside to play because if Allison ran out into the road (whose idea was it to take down the fence?) I wouldn't be able to run after her right now. So, instead they are stuck inside and they are trashing the place. Of course, they are not willing to clean up the toys so I get even crankier.

The final straw that will probably break this camel's back is that on Sunday Doug will be flying to Orlando for two weeks of work training. Yep, I will be alone in the house with two young children for two weeks. Someone help me please! Let's see what's left of my sanity when my husband returns home.

I am still sticking to the paleo diet to the best of my ability. I'm still consuming no-nos like coffee, popcorn and chocolate but I NEED them right now. I imagine I'll have to give up the popcorn or my nightly cocktail soon as due to the decrease in exercise my weight is slowly starting to creep back up again. Grrr. However, in the hopes of ending this post with somewhat of a positive spin I wanted to post a pic of my favorite paleo meal. I bake a spaghetti squash and then scrape out the strands and pile them on a plate or in a bowl. For those who have never had spaghetti squash the strands are about the thickness of capellini pasta and really don't have much flavor. I add some good paleo-friendly spaghetti sauce and some buffalo burger (much healthier for you than beef) and have some kind of green veggie on the side. Tonight it was broccoli. It is very filling, yummy, seems to take care of my craving for pasta and is very nutritious.

It's just one of those days

Quick update for any one who didn't know - I have a boot cast on my lower leg and foot since I managed to fracture my second toe thanks to EA Active. Yeah, I know, exercise is bad for health and all. However, I do miss it. I have to wear this cast for 4-6 weeks. I've only had it on four days and I'm sick of it. At least I can take it off at bedtime and for showers but the rest of the time it's heavy and makes me lurch from side to side as I have no shoes with an equivalent heel. Anyway, it's making me grumpy and irritable.

I was going to give up coffee again today but here I am drinking another cup of the crap because I feel so yucky and crave the energy. I swore yesterday that I was going to return to hard core paleo diet today meaning I had to eliminate coffee and corn from my diet again. I let myself slide a little about a month ago and around Easter even had dairy in my coffee. Yes, I felt really unhealthy from that dairy and I know my body doesn't handle it well so I won't feel too much of a loss giving that up. However, my body has grown used to the caffeine kick from the coffee and just the ritual and comfort of having a cuppa in the afternoon. Tough but I gotta give the stuff up.

By the way, forgive me if I sound like I have ADHD today. I've got a lot of things to talk about and they have nothing to do with each other.

On to the topic of motherhood. I think I suck at it. Seriously. I'm so tired all the time. I have no patience. I long for uninterrupted time to myself. I hate repeating myself. I'm achy and it hurts to do things like change diapers or get a child dressed. So, what the heck was I thinking? I seriously feel burned out and ready to jump into the car and just drive somewhere. Ah, just think, sunroof open, my music playing loudly through the speakers, sunglasses on, no looking back. I love my kids and would miss them terribly. However, the constant worrying, need to discipline and pay attention to them is very wearing on me. I'm actually looking forward to my cats' vet appointment tonight. I'm taking two cats in so I get to stay twice as long. Woo hoo! Oh, and I get to talk to grown ups and pretend that I still have a functioning brain. Sweet. Anyway, it's just that I hear myself yelling all the time and saying sarcastic things to the kids. I'm worried that my words are just as damaging to them as a spanking would be. No, I've never spanked the little imps (though I think about it a lot) but that doesn't mean I haven't scarred them in other ways (I fear) with the screaming and mean things I say. However, yesterday Joshua told me that I'm a "nice mommy." I asked him if he thought that even when I was mean and he told me that I'm always nice. Hmmmm... his allergy medicines must make him a little woozy.

I know that I totally need anger management skills and I need to get a life outside of the home. However, I am so tired by the time they're in bed I think I'd fall asleep behind the wheel if I did go anywhere. I'm going to see a rheumatologist next month to see if he can help with the chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. If he does, I'm going to put him into my will. Seriously. I'm so fed up with not being able to do anything.

One spot of good news here. Despite not exercising lately and not watching my food intake as well as normal, I managed to lose another pound over the past couple of weeks. Maybe those shorts I haven't been able to squeeze into comfortably for the past few years may just fit again. I believe that Van Halen t-shirt is definitely wearable now too. Yay!

I'm Such a Hypocrite!

We've been talking about making beef stew all week and I realized that we hadn't done it yet and we'd be traveling Saturday and Sunday. So, it was either tonight's or tomorrow night's supper. I remembered that tomorrow is Good Friday so I decided it had to be tonight. As I'm making the stew I started thinking about what I'd eat tomorrow if I was going meatless - perhaps some Lox on my salad in the a.m., tuna fish on a salad for lunch... wait a minute, why am I doing this? Why do I feel this sudden need to toe the line and not eat meat on Good Friday when I really ignore church and the Christian religion the rest of the year. I can't even call myself a "C&E Christian" because I didn't go to church last Christmas since my Mom didn't feel well and we're not planning on attending Easter services as my Mom says she'd rather spend the morning with all of us. If we had gone Doug and the kids would not have attended church with us. So, am I am hypocrite for thinking of going without meat on Good Friday? Is it just a habit for me or do I have any kind of religious conviction about it.

It brought back a memory for me of when I was a little girl - I don't remember the exact age. My Mom, Dad and I were traveling to Wilkes Barre, PA from Rochester, NY to spend the Easter weekend with my Grandparents. It was Good Friday and we stopped at a restaurant called Lum's for lunch. I ordered what I always ordered and I guess my parents weren't paying attention because they were quite surprised to see me chowing down on a hotdog and fries when the meal arrived. Sigh. That led to some discussions in the car for the remainder of the ride.

So, I'm not sure what I'm going to do tomorrow. I don't believe that eating meat is going to give me a one-way ticket to hell nor do I believe that abstaining from meat is going to save my soul. However, not eating meat could help me to reflect on the the day and what it all means to me.

In other news, now that Doug's parents have left (they were here for Allison's birthday and the first couple of days of Passover), the kids are driving me crazy. They got spoiled with attention from the grandparents and they got used to having someone at their beck and call at all times. So, it's "mommy, I need this" or "mommy, I want this" all day long and they have no patience. It doesn't matter if I'm trying to rest, juggling a laundry basket or trying to cook a meal. Whatever they want has to be attended to right then and there. Of course, I'm not able or willing to do that so they're getting cranky and yelling at me. I am so ready to sell them to the gypsies. The good news is that you're supposed to drink a lot of wine at Passover so I have something to look forward to tonight.

I blew off exercising while Doug's parents were here because I didn't feel like doing EA Active in front of them. I know, silly me. So, yesterday, I was raring to go after four days without. I did a 20-minute routine and somehow hurt my left foot. I think I strained a tendon because the top of my foot is killing me and the pain is traveling up my leg. Regardless, I won't be doing any running or jumping (and not much walking either) for awhile. So, this a.m. I did some crunches and pushups before my daughter woke up and then did some light strength training on my arms this afternoon until my son barged into the bedroom and decided to sit on the bed and watch me. It's hard to focus on form and doing it right with someone staring at you and asking "mommy, what are you doing now" every few seconds. Ugh. Do gypsies have a number I can call?

Mommy, What's A Cross?

We were eating lunch together when my son decided to spring the question "Mommy, what's a cross?" I had a bad feeling that I knew what he was asking and where this was leading but I chose to pretend innocence and ask if he meant "like something is across the road?" "No, Mommy, I mean a cross." "Well" I asked, "where did you come across this word?" "In the book at preschool." When pressed further he identified the name of the book as "The Story of Jesus." Oh, THAT book.

I happily married my husband agreeing that we would raise our children Jewish. I am Christian (kind of a Lutheran/Methodist mutt) but am not as strong in my faith and beliefs as my husband is. So, I figured, we share the same values and both believe in God how hard can it be? Well, we never discussed how exactly we were going to discuss Christianity in our house if it came up. We just wanted to emphasize Judaism and make sure that it was clear that it was the religion our kids practiced. This worked just fine until Joshua started preschool this past year. He remained fairly ignorant of even the whole Santa bit until this last Christmas. Now he has questions and I'm left squirming on my own.

I took the approach I do with all difficult questions of his. I answer him honestly but simply. I figure if he has further questions we'll take it from there. So, I told him that a cross was a symbol of the Christian religion, like the star of David is a Jewish symbol. Well that wasn't enough. He wanted to know why Jesus was on the cross. Oh boy, getting into deeper waters here. I tried explaining the crucifixion bit without getting into too many details but then he wanted to know about the resurrection and whether God was dead.

I did my best and he seemed satisfied but I don't know how much I'm up for this. By the way, I chose to explain that although Christians believe in the resurrection and all that, to other religions it's just a story and that Jesus is seen as a really good man but not like Christians see him. I also told him that Jesus is very important to Christians and his teachings are what our whole religion is based on. I also told him that God can't die since God has been here and always will be. While I'm explaining this I'm trying to makes sure I'm not selling him on Christianity. I don't want to anger Doug because I totally support him in keeping the kids focus on Judaism. I think that it would confuse them if we tried to balance the two beliefs in the house. Obviously, when they're older they have the option of choosing their own beliefs and religion but right now it's important to give them a consistent structure from both parents.

So, here's the problem. I'm pretty shaky in my own faith these days. I guess it started when I took an ancient philosophy course in graduate school I started questioning all the bible stories and how much of it was true. Then, when my Dad died I just got mad at the church and the way the pastor was handling the service. I still pray to God and I do believe in God, however, that's kind of the extent of my faith. I don't believe that Christianity is the only true and right religion. I don't believe that people who aren't Christians, or the "right" denomination of Christianity are going to hell. Since I'm not exactly a model Christian how can I explain to my son why I'm still a Christian and not Jewish like him, his sister and Daddy? However, I also don't want to convert to Judaism. I'm still enough of a believer that I consider myself to be Christian and can't imagine being anything else.

I think I need to really figure out what exactly it is that I believe. Maybe then I would be less uncomfortable having these discussions with my son. So, how does one go about finding out what their own truth is? Do I reread the bible? Start attending church again? Stare at my belly button? Advice needed please.

Pizza and french fries

What a great day today. The weather was gorgeous - 70s, sunny and full of the promise that spring always holds. We'll save the gripe about pollen for later.

My daughter filled up all thirty squares on her potty training chart (finally) this week so she got her reward today. She had picked this out months ago. She wanted to go to a restaurant and eat pizza and french fries. Until today, she'd only had pizza once in her life when Doug made it for her when Joshua and I were out. She's had french fries when Doug made them at home or when I let her nibble some of mine at a restaurant. So, this was a big deal for her. A big pile of fries with ketchup and the biggest slice of pizza I have ever seen in my life - all for her.

I did my research since I wanted to eat at a restaurant that had other options more paleo-friendly for me and I found the Rustic Grille right here in our town. I ordered an "Aruba salad." That was a plate full of romaine and spinach leaves, grilled chicken breast, strawberries, grapes, walnuts and coconut flakes topped off with raspberry vinaigrette. I'm sure that the vinaigrette wasn't gluten-free and the walnuts and coconut were probably sweetened but I thought it was still a decent lunch all things considered. I haven't had dressing on a salad in months so I was giddy from this treat. Feel free to laugh at the insanity of that. Anyway, my daughter and I walked out of there quite pleased with ourselves and it truly was a nice mother, daughter moment. She behaved quite nicely and remembered her table manners at the restaurant so it was practically stress-free for me. When we got in the car I said "maybe for your next reward we could go to Jellybean Jungle (a local indoor play place) or go shopping for a new dress. Maybe something we could do with Joshua." "Mommy I don't want Joshua to go." "You just want it to be me and you?" I asked. "Yes," she replied. That made me feel really nice. Daughter gets extra points at all gift-giving holidays this year.

In other news, I've lost a couple more pounds this month and I'm now at a lower weight than I was on my wedding day. I have more bulk on my hips and thighs than I did seven years ago but carrying a couple of babies will do that to you. Right now I'm between a size 8 and a size 10. I'm feeling pretty freakin' ecstatic. Oh, and I'm doing this while still nibbling on chocolate most days. Yay!

One thing I am disappointed in regarding the goals I set at the beginning of the year is finding time in the evening for myself. I just haven't done any writing really except for this blog. I find myself sucked into Facebook and some of the applications and before I know it Doug is wanting to watch TV or it's time for bed. Obviously, mediation has been ignored as well. So, I would really like to put some more effort into that area. I believe it's important to nourish the body and the soul and although I'm doing good with the body my soul is getting neglected and that's going to lead to imbalance or the continuance of it.

Okay, time to gripe about the pollen. Ugh. Hate the stuff. I know it means the trees are going to be wearing their leaves and flowers soon and it will look beautiful. However, my son and I are suffering terribly right now. I have a frog in my throat most of the day and I'm feeling more wiped out than usual. Joshua is having an eczema flare on his face (pictures tomorrow should be interesting) and he has a runny nose all day long. With the nicer weather we've been playing outside more often and I haven't been doing what the allergist told me to do with him - have him take his clothes off and jump in the shower immediately when we get back in the house. I'm usually so tired after we've been playing outside and I have to fix dinner. On top of that, he's adamant that he doesn't want to take a shower. It's just not worth the energy to fight that battle. So, today, we didn't play outside at all. Both kids were bummed about this (as was I) but I hate to see him itchy and uncomfortable. I so want my kids to have a love of the outdoors and to play outside as much as they want but it looks like that's just not going to be possible during the allergy season. Frankly, the only time my son's not reacting to something outside is during the winter. So, instead they're developing a love of the Wii. Let me just say this - it's so unfair. Oh and Joshua really wants to play with the cats but he can't due to his allergies. My poor kid.

Thank God for Sesame Street

Honestly. I am completely exhausted today. Both kids seem tired too and cranky. It's two hours until Doug gets home so I did what any rational parent would do. I put on the TV and I told them to watch Sesame Street. That show is a parent's ticket to peace. It lasts an hour long without commercial breaks, is interesting enough to hold the kids' interest that long and it's almost guilt-free since it's considered "educational."

So, what's going on with me that I feel this wiped out? It's probably a combo of factors. I've been pushing hard on EA Active, doing the medium level (thank God today was a "rest day" for it) as well as my daily morning exercises. In addition, with the nicer weather, I've been spending at least an hour outside with the kids. I tend to do yard work while they're playing like picking up sticks or pulling out dead plants. Things that are harder labor than I'm used to.

I've also had some added stress this week. Joshua had an allergist appointment on Monday, an occupational therapist appointment yesterday followed by a recheck of his ears at the pediatrician's. That appointment was a bust since the pediatrician informed me Joshua still has the fluid in his ears. We're giving it one more month and then we'll have to consult with a surgeon about putting tubes in to drain the fluid. Ack! Then, this a.m., when I dropped off Joshua at preschool, the teacher handed me the report on his vision screening by the State. Joshua failed it and they claim he might have a muscle imbalance in his eyes. Oh Lord. Doug's sister has a "lazy eye" and I'm afraid that Joshua may have inherited that tendency. The pediatrician's office told me (I immediately called them on the phone) that they only do basic vision testing (he has 20/30 vision according to them so he can't be too bad) and I need to consult with an ophthalmologist. So, not only are we dealing with Joshua's multiple food and environmental allergies and eczema, along with delayed motor skills, we also have a possible vision problem. I really really need a vacation.

Then, to add to my stress, I had an appointment with the school registrar this morning to hand in the paperwork for Joshua's kindergarten registration. I went in there all confident since I not only had all the paperwork filled out, I had extra forms of identification to prove residency. One problem that the registrar kindly pointed out: they all had the P.O. Box address on them and couldn't be used. So, I was sent home to find proof of residency and told to fax it to her. Doug was home so he offered to use the fax machine on my printer that I'd never used before (I'm completely clueless). Surprise! I was out of ink and couldn't make a copy of the items we need to fax. Sigh. Doug ended up having to stop at the school on his way to work instead.

I've been drinking coffee despite my determination to give it up as of last post. I wonder if that's adding to my fatigue. The amount of sleep I've been getting is better than decent - between 7 and 8 hours each night.

So over-exertion, stress and coffee. Those are what I see as contributing to this yucky feeling. Oh, let's add in PMS too for kicks. Ugh.

Shopping from my attic

Well, this week has been a success for me even though I haven't lost even a smidgen of a pound. The reason I'm feeling so chipper is that I went up to the attic today and dragged down a black plastic trash bag I had stuffed full of clothes last year, certain that I'd never wear them again. See, a year ago, I assumed that I was stuck in this post-baby body and that the slightly chunky look was where I was stuck. To my delight, I pulled one thing after another out of that bag and it fit me. A miniskirt that I haven't been able to wear in five years is fitting me perfectly now. I found four pairs of pants that I couldn't squeeze into and now they look great. A nice black suit from my corporate days fits me as well. My biggest triumph - the green dress I wore after my wedding fits again. I don't think I have the same body I did when I got married but I'm getting closer. Van Halen concert t-shirt here I come!

So, I didn't lose any weight last week and I got addicted to coffee again. However, finding that I'm fitting into clothes I gave up for lost is inspiring me to keep with the program. After one last cup of the evil coffee this afternoon I'm going to give it up again. I will also pay closer attention even when eating out so I don't overeat. I really need to learn to stop eating when I'm full no matter how good the food tastes. I will keep exercising except on days when I feel my absolute worst. I have to listen to my body and know when to stop after all. I also give myself one day off a week from the exercise to give my muscles time to heal.

I'm also feeling upbeat since the weather is beautiful. Right now it's sunny and 55 degrees outside. After the kids finish watching their TV show and have a snack I'm taking them out to romp in the yard. YAY!