Feeling Out of Sorts

I'm not happy. I've got so much going on, I don't even know where to start. This cast on my foot business is really messing my life up. Guess I shouldn't have gotten a stress fracture on the toe, eh? Well, I did and I have to wear this cast for another few weeks. It doesn't weigh more than a pound or two but lugging it around all day makes it feel like twenty. I think that's contributing to my feeling of fatigue. On top of that, it throws my balance off and my spine is getting out of alignment. My neck and shoulders ache as well as my hips. This constant, unrelenting ache and the pain in my toe that travels up my foot, is making me one cranky momma. In the past, a good session of EA Active would've helped elevate my mood but can't do that for awhile. So, the stress just accumulates.

I worry that I'm not resting enough for the stupid toe to heal and that I'll end up having to wear this stupid cast for even longer. As a mother of two young children I just don't have the opportunity to put my feet up and rest. I don't dare take them outside to play because if Allison ran out into the road (whose idea was it to take down the fence?) I wouldn't be able to run after her right now. So, instead they are stuck inside and they are trashing the place. Of course, they are not willing to clean up the toys so I get even crankier.

The final straw that will probably break this camel's back is that on Sunday Doug will be flying to Orlando for two weeks of work training. Yep, I will be alone in the house with two young children for two weeks. Someone help me please! Let's see what's left of my sanity when my husband returns home.

I am still sticking to the paleo diet to the best of my ability. I'm still consuming no-nos like coffee, popcorn and chocolate but I NEED them right now. I imagine I'll have to give up the popcorn or my nightly cocktail soon as due to the decrease in exercise my weight is slowly starting to creep back up again. Grrr. However, in the hopes of ending this post with somewhat of a positive spin I wanted to post a pic of my favorite paleo meal. I bake a spaghetti squash and then scrape out the strands and pile them on a plate or in a bowl. For those who have never had spaghetti squash the strands are about the thickness of capellini pasta and really don't have much flavor. I add some good paleo-friendly spaghetti sauce and some buffalo burger (much healthier for you than beef) and have some kind of green veggie on the side. Tonight it was broccoli. It is very filling, yummy, seems to take care of my craving for pasta and is very nutritious.

It's just one of those days

Quick update for any one who didn't know - I have a boot cast on my lower leg and foot since I managed to fracture my second toe thanks to EA Active. Yeah, I know, exercise is bad for health and all. However, I do miss it. I have to wear this cast for 4-6 weeks. I've only had it on four days and I'm sick of it. At least I can take it off at bedtime and for showers but the rest of the time it's heavy and makes me lurch from side to side as I have no shoes with an equivalent heel. Anyway, it's making me grumpy and irritable.

I was going to give up coffee again today but here I am drinking another cup of the crap because I feel so yucky and crave the energy. I swore yesterday that I was going to return to hard core paleo diet today meaning I had to eliminate coffee and corn from my diet again. I let myself slide a little about a month ago and around Easter even had dairy in my coffee. Yes, I felt really unhealthy from that dairy and I know my body doesn't handle it well so I won't feel too much of a loss giving that up. However, my body has grown used to the caffeine kick from the coffee and just the ritual and comfort of having a cuppa in the afternoon. Tough but I gotta give the stuff up.

By the way, forgive me if I sound like I have ADHD today. I've got a lot of things to talk about and they have nothing to do with each other.

On to the topic of motherhood. I think I suck at it. Seriously. I'm so tired all the time. I have no patience. I long for uninterrupted time to myself. I hate repeating myself. I'm achy and it hurts to do things like change diapers or get a child dressed. So, what the heck was I thinking? I seriously feel burned out and ready to jump into the car and just drive somewhere. Ah, just think, sunroof open, my music playing loudly through the speakers, sunglasses on, no looking back. I love my kids and would miss them terribly. However, the constant worrying, need to discipline and pay attention to them is very wearing on me. I'm actually looking forward to my cats' vet appointment tonight. I'm taking two cats in so I get to stay twice as long. Woo hoo! Oh, and I get to talk to grown ups and pretend that I still have a functioning brain. Sweet. Anyway, it's just that I hear myself yelling all the time and saying sarcastic things to the kids. I'm worried that my words are just as damaging to them as a spanking would be. No, I've never spanked the little imps (though I think about it a lot) but that doesn't mean I haven't scarred them in other ways (I fear) with the screaming and mean things I say. However, yesterday Joshua told me that I'm a "nice mommy." I asked him if he thought that even when I was mean and he told me that I'm always nice. Hmmmm... his allergy medicines must make him a little woozy.

I know that I totally need anger management skills and I need to get a life outside of the home. However, I am so tired by the time they're in bed I think I'd fall asleep behind the wheel if I did go anywhere. I'm going to see a rheumatologist next month to see if he can help with the chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. If he does, I'm going to put him into my will. Seriously. I'm so fed up with not being able to do anything.

One spot of good news here. Despite not exercising lately and not watching my food intake as well as normal, I managed to lose another pound over the past couple of weeks. Maybe those shorts I haven't been able to squeeze into comfortably for the past few years may just fit again. I believe that Van Halen t-shirt is definitely wearable now too. Yay!

I'm Such a Hypocrite!

We've been talking about making beef stew all week and I realized that we hadn't done it yet and we'd be traveling Saturday and Sunday. So, it was either tonight's or tomorrow night's supper. I remembered that tomorrow is Good Friday so I decided it had to be tonight. As I'm making the stew I started thinking about what I'd eat tomorrow if I was going meatless - perhaps some Lox on my salad in the a.m., tuna fish on a salad for lunch... wait a minute, why am I doing this? Why do I feel this sudden need to toe the line and not eat meat on Good Friday when I really ignore church and the Christian religion the rest of the year. I can't even call myself a "C&E Christian" because I didn't go to church last Christmas since my Mom didn't feel well and we're not planning on attending Easter services as my Mom says she'd rather spend the morning with all of us. If we had gone Doug and the kids would not have attended church with us. So, am I am hypocrite for thinking of going without meat on Good Friday? Is it just a habit for me or do I have any kind of religious conviction about it.

It brought back a memory for me of when I was a little girl - I don't remember the exact age. My Mom, Dad and I were traveling to Wilkes Barre, PA from Rochester, NY to spend the Easter weekend with my Grandparents. It was Good Friday and we stopped at a restaurant called Lum's for lunch. I ordered what I always ordered and I guess my parents weren't paying attention because they were quite surprised to see me chowing down on a hotdog and fries when the meal arrived. Sigh. That led to some discussions in the car for the remainder of the ride.

So, I'm not sure what I'm going to do tomorrow. I don't believe that eating meat is going to give me a one-way ticket to hell nor do I believe that abstaining from meat is going to save my soul. However, not eating meat could help me to reflect on the the day and what it all means to me.

In other news, now that Doug's parents have left (they were here for Allison's birthday and the first couple of days of Passover), the kids are driving me crazy. They got spoiled with attention from the grandparents and they got used to having someone at their beck and call at all times. So, it's "mommy, I need this" or "mommy, I want this" all day long and they have no patience. It doesn't matter if I'm trying to rest, juggling a laundry basket or trying to cook a meal. Whatever they want has to be attended to right then and there. Of course, I'm not able or willing to do that so they're getting cranky and yelling at me. I am so ready to sell them to the gypsies. The good news is that you're supposed to drink a lot of wine at Passover so I have something to look forward to tonight.

I blew off exercising while Doug's parents were here because I didn't feel like doing EA Active in front of them. I know, silly me. So, yesterday, I was raring to go after four days without. I did a 20-minute routine and somehow hurt my left foot. I think I strained a tendon because the top of my foot is killing me and the pain is traveling up my leg. Regardless, I won't be doing any running or jumping (and not much walking either) for awhile. So, this a.m. I did some crunches and pushups before my daughter woke up and then did some light strength training on my arms this afternoon until my son barged into the bedroom and decided to sit on the bed and watch me. It's hard to focus on form and doing it right with someone staring at you and asking "mommy, what are you doing now" every few seconds. Ugh. Do gypsies have a number I can call?

Mommy, What's A Cross?

We were eating lunch together when my son decided to spring the question "Mommy, what's a cross?" I had a bad feeling that I knew what he was asking and where this was leading but I chose to pretend innocence and ask if he meant "like something is across the road?" "No, Mommy, I mean a cross." "Well" I asked, "where did you come across this word?" "In the book at preschool." When pressed further he identified the name of the book as "The Story of Jesus." Oh, THAT book.

I happily married my husband agreeing that we would raise our children Jewish. I am Christian (kind of a Lutheran/Methodist mutt) but am not as strong in my faith and beliefs as my husband is. So, I figured, we share the same values and both believe in God how hard can it be? Well, we never discussed how exactly we were going to discuss Christianity in our house if it came up. We just wanted to emphasize Judaism and make sure that it was clear that it was the religion our kids practiced. This worked just fine until Joshua started preschool this past year. He remained fairly ignorant of even the whole Santa bit until this last Christmas. Now he has questions and I'm left squirming on my own.

I took the approach I do with all difficult questions of his. I answer him honestly but simply. I figure if he has further questions we'll take it from there. So, I told him that a cross was a symbol of the Christian religion, like the star of David is a Jewish symbol. Well that wasn't enough. He wanted to know why Jesus was on the cross. Oh boy, getting into deeper waters here. I tried explaining the crucifixion bit without getting into too many details but then he wanted to know about the resurrection and whether God was dead.

I did my best and he seemed satisfied but I don't know how much I'm up for this. By the way, I chose to explain that although Christians believe in the resurrection and all that, to other religions it's just a story and that Jesus is seen as a really good man but not like Christians see him. I also told him that Jesus is very important to Christians and his teachings are what our whole religion is based on. I also told him that God can't die since God has been here and always will be. While I'm explaining this I'm trying to makes sure I'm not selling him on Christianity. I don't want to anger Doug because I totally support him in keeping the kids focus on Judaism. I think that it would confuse them if we tried to balance the two beliefs in the house. Obviously, when they're older they have the option of choosing their own beliefs and religion but right now it's important to give them a consistent structure from both parents.

So, here's the problem. I'm pretty shaky in my own faith these days. I guess it started when I took an ancient philosophy course in graduate school I started questioning all the bible stories and how much of it was true. Then, when my Dad died I just got mad at the church and the way the pastor was handling the service. I still pray to God and I do believe in God, however, that's kind of the extent of my faith. I don't believe that Christianity is the only true and right religion. I don't believe that people who aren't Christians, or the "right" denomination of Christianity are going to hell. Since I'm not exactly a model Christian how can I explain to my son why I'm still a Christian and not Jewish like him, his sister and Daddy? However, I also don't want to convert to Judaism. I'm still enough of a believer that I consider myself to be Christian and can't imagine being anything else.

I think I need to really figure out what exactly it is that I believe. Maybe then I would be less uncomfortable having these discussions with my son. So, how does one go about finding out what their own truth is? Do I reread the bible? Start attending church again? Stare at my belly button? Advice needed please.

Pizza and french fries

What a great day today. The weather was gorgeous - 70s, sunny and full of the promise that spring always holds. We'll save the gripe about pollen for later.

My daughter filled up all thirty squares on her potty training chart (finally) this week so she got her reward today. She had picked this out months ago. She wanted to go to a restaurant and eat pizza and french fries. Until today, she'd only had pizza once in her life when Doug made it for her when Joshua and I were out. She's had french fries when Doug made them at home or when I let her nibble some of mine at a restaurant. So, this was a big deal for her. A big pile of fries with ketchup and the biggest slice of pizza I have ever seen in my life - all for her.

I did my research since I wanted to eat at a restaurant that had other options more paleo-friendly for me and I found the Rustic Grille right here in our town. I ordered an "Aruba salad." That was a plate full of romaine and spinach leaves, grilled chicken breast, strawberries, grapes, walnuts and coconut flakes topped off with raspberry vinaigrette. I'm sure that the vinaigrette wasn't gluten-free and the walnuts and coconut were probably sweetened but I thought it was still a decent lunch all things considered. I haven't had dressing on a salad in months so I was giddy from this treat. Feel free to laugh at the insanity of that. Anyway, my daughter and I walked out of there quite pleased with ourselves and it truly was a nice mother, daughter moment. She behaved quite nicely and remembered her table manners at the restaurant so it was practically stress-free for me. When we got in the car I said "maybe for your next reward we could go to Jellybean Jungle (a local indoor play place) or go shopping for a new dress. Maybe something we could do with Joshua." "Mommy I don't want Joshua to go." "You just want it to be me and you?" I asked. "Yes," she replied. That made me feel really nice. Daughter gets extra points at all gift-giving holidays this year.

In other news, I've lost a couple more pounds this month and I'm now at a lower weight than I was on my wedding day. I have more bulk on my hips and thighs than I did seven years ago but carrying a couple of babies will do that to you. Right now I'm between a size 8 and a size 10. I'm feeling pretty freakin' ecstatic. Oh, and I'm doing this while still nibbling on chocolate most days. Yay!

One thing I am disappointed in regarding the goals I set at the beginning of the year is finding time in the evening for myself. I just haven't done any writing really except for this blog. I find myself sucked into Facebook and some of the applications and before I know it Doug is wanting to watch TV or it's time for bed. Obviously, mediation has been ignored as well. So, I would really like to put some more effort into that area. I believe it's important to nourish the body and the soul and although I'm doing good with the body my soul is getting neglected and that's going to lead to imbalance or the continuance of it.

Okay, time to gripe about the pollen. Ugh. Hate the stuff. I know it means the trees are going to be wearing their leaves and flowers soon and it will look beautiful. However, my son and I are suffering terribly right now. I have a frog in my throat most of the day and I'm feeling more wiped out than usual. Joshua is having an eczema flare on his face (pictures tomorrow should be interesting) and he has a runny nose all day long. With the nicer weather we've been playing outside more often and I haven't been doing what the allergist told me to do with him - have him take his clothes off and jump in the shower immediately when we get back in the house. I'm usually so tired after we've been playing outside and I have to fix dinner. On top of that, he's adamant that he doesn't want to take a shower. It's just not worth the energy to fight that battle. So, today, we didn't play outside at all. Both kids were bummed about this (as was I) but I hate to see him itchy and uncomfortable. I so want my kids to have a love of the outdoors and to play outside as much as they want but it looks like that's just not going to be possible during the allergy season. Frankly, the only time my son's not reacting to something outside is during the winter. So, instead they're developing a love of the Wii. Let me just say this - it's so unfair. Oh and Joshua really wants to play with the cats but he can't due to his allergies. My poor kid.