I don't get it. Why me? When will this end?

Dear Universe,
My apologies for adding some negative energy to you but I'm feeling really pissed and I need to vent. You or someone must really be effing me or perhaps I did some really bad things in this life or a previous life.

Regardless I'd like an explanation for some things. Why is it a person like me, who loves to travel, gets to only go on three-day trips once or twice a year and then suffers for days afterward? I'm on my third day of a sore throat, unrelieved exhaustion and on the verge of tears after a three-day-weekend trip to Boston. Of course, you set it up so that I moved away from all my friends and family so I have to travel to see anyone I care about beyond my husband and kids. Oh, and don't get me started about this stay at home mom business. You know that's always been my nightmare. Yeah, having kids is great but having a job outside of the home is what made me feel like I was productive and contributing something to this world. I defined myself with a job title and my education before I got sick. Now I'm dependent on my husband for money, companionship and help caring for the kids. Yeah, just want an independent-minded feminist wanted out of life.

So, I'd probably be alright with all of this except for one thing. When you took away my ability to work, travel, hike, and think clearly, you didn't take away my desire to do these things. Every once in awhile I say the heck with it and do something I really shouldn't. Then, bam, you hit me with the swollen glands, sore throat, fatigue and, if I'm having a really bad day, the fibromyalgia pain. Kind of like you're telling me "told you so." So, what am I supposed to do with this restless energy, the desire to achieve and to go out there and use these abilities I know I'm blessed with? What grand lesson do I need to learn to get you to grant me healing? What am I supposed to do with my life now? I've been sick for over eight years now and I keep hoping that something is going to change and that I'll see some improvement. I've tried so many different diets, supplements, healers and medications. I've been subjected to blood tests, MRIs, CAT scans and research studies. Yet, I'm still at square one.

I know that I'll never be the old me again. That's pretty clear. However, it would be nice to be like an average 38-year-old. I'm not asking to win marathons, I just want to be able to work, take care of my kids and do some activities that enrich my soul. I really don't think that's asking a lot.

In conclusion, poop pants.

Sincerely,
Sleepy Mama Cat

Paleo Diet - Success by the Numbers

I have concrete proof that the paleo diet has been beneficial to my health. In addition to losing 25 pounds since January, check out my recent blood test results:
Total cholesterol: 138
Triglycerides: 69
HDL cholesterol: 54
LDL cholesterol: 70

This is simply amazing to me because just a few years ago my total cholesterol was in the 220s and my HDL was very low. I would say this is a very positive turn around. And this is happening with a diet that is heavy in the dark turkey and chicken parts, and beef. Go figure. In addition, I was very pleased, and relieved, to see that even my levels of calcium were perfect even though I don't consume any dairy products.

Ok, so why do I still feel crappy? Other than the mysteriously high levels of cortisol my blood test results were all normal. I have my new lab slip now. I will be eager to see what the results of that round of testing reveals. I think I will wait a week or so to get the test done though as Doug is traveling next week and I'll be on my own. I don't need to stress my system during that time.

Exhausted or Hurting? Pick one.

With much trepidation I decided to try a new medication over the weekend called Nuvigil. It's made by the same company that makes Provigil - something I tried without success in 2002. However, my doctor assured me that I wouldn't have the same jolting experience that I had with Provigil and I was desperate to find a way to fight past this exhaustion and get things done again. So, on Saturday, I took the first pill. Saturday was amazing. I felt like I had energy and felt really good about life. I got a lot of shopping done, played with the kids and took the dog for a walk. To my great relief, I was able to sleep that night. I'd suffered from terrible insomnia while on Provigil so I'd been fully prepared to be awake for days on this new stuff.

When I started the new medication I read the information and it said I shouldn't have caffeine or alcohol. Now, if I'd known this I would've been tapering off of the caffeine for a few days but instead I quit it cold turkey. I suffered some nasty withdrawal symptoms like headaches and irritability but I figured it was all for the good. After all, coffee and chocolate aren't exactly part of the Paleo diet and everything I read tells me to avoid caffeine when you have CFS. So, here was my excuse to give it up. So, when the back ache developed on Sunday and spread from my neck across my shoulders I figured it was withdrawal symptoms. However, last night it woke me up at 3:30 in the a.m. The pain had moved down my back and down my legs and it hurt like nothing I've ever experienced before. This morning the pain was still here but I soldiered on - what else could I do? My husband couldn't exactly stay home from work and the kids and animals had to be cared for. It hurt to brush my hair so I hope I didn't look too scary at Joshua's OT appointment. I didn't even bother with makeup.

There could be several reasons for this pain. Our mattress is very old and sagging and provides absolutely no support. I think we're past the point where flipping and rotating it again will be futile. A second possibility is that the storms rolling in this a.m. caused a terrible fibro flare but one like I've never had so bad before. Finally, it could be the Nuvigil. According to their prescribing info one of the possible side effects is back pain. This was my suspicion, so I called my doctor who prescribed this to get her opinion. I was going to wait until my phone consult on Thursday but the pain just got too overwhelming to delay any discussion. She didn't think the Nuvigil could be the cause since she hadn't had any other patients complain about it. However, she recommended that I take a break from it for a couple of days and then try it again to see if it's the cause of the pain. I'm just pleased to know that this is something I won't have to worry about weaning myself off of.

I am feeling frustrated. Although it wasn't a 100% cure for me it did give me an extra boost of energy so that I could function. I'm still not in a place where I could be an active mommy with my kids but at least now they have clean toilets in the house and I feel like I can do a few fun things with them. Now it looks like I may have to choose between having that energy and being incapacitated with pain (Tylenol helps a little but doesn't make it go away completely), or not being in pain and just being a slug again. Please excuse the yelling. NOT FAIR!!!

In other news, as of today, I've lost 25 pounds since the beginning of January. I am so pleased with this and really feel good about how I look. I'm wearing a sheath dress to my cousin's wedding on Saturday and I won't have to worry about any wacky bulges and I won't have to sweat in control underwear. If only the weight loss had translated to a complete improvement in my health but I guess I couldn't get that lucky. Maybe now that I'm back to gluten-free I'll start feeling better. Oh, speaking of that, I have a phone consult on Thursday afternoon with the doctor who ordered those blood tests. I'll be sure to post the results of that conversation.

Off the Paleo Diet for One Week - Eek!

My CFS doctor recently sent me a lab slip to get some blood work done. I'm also supposed to get some blood work for the endocrinologist done sometime over the summer. Now seemed as good a time as any so I scheduled an appointment for this Saturday at the local lab. Today, I took the time to actually look at the doctor's lab slip and on there is a request for the Celiac disease test. Basically, it looks to see if there are any antibodies to gluten in my blood. One small problem - I haven't had any gluten except for the very rare oops since January. So, the chance of there being any antibodies in my blood, even if I do have Celiac,is pretty slim. So, what's a girl to do? Eat gluten!!! Yep, I'm going on a binge for the next four days, eating Chinese food, vegan baked goodies from Whole Foods Market and whatever else I can find! Yippee!

Of course, once I have the blood test on Saturday the gluttony must come to an end. I've lost 24 pounds since January and can fit into a size 6 dress again. I feel really good about the way I look and I do have a tad more energy during the day - not bunches of energy but a tad more. Another thing, if I feel really terrible even after just a day of this, I'm going to stop eating gluten immediately. There's no point in putting myself through hell to prove something I already know.

In other news, the honeymoon period with Daisy came to an abrupt end last week but we're starting to reach a truce of kinds and I think things are going to work out with her. Turns out that the first week we had her, she had kennel cough and a fever. So, her calm demeanor and constant sleeping was due to illness not personality. Last week, when she started feeling better after a course of antibiotics, she decided to start testing me to see who was dominant. She mounted the kids and humped them, snarled and snapped at me when I tried to take a stick away from her and refused to listen to my commands. I made my husband take her to the vet since her behavior change was so dramatic but they assured me it wasn't due to any health problems. Our whole way of doing things had to change. I'm in charge of feeding her at all times so that she sees me as vital to her life. In addition, nothing comes for free to her anymore. She has to sit on command before she gets food, let out in the yard, given a toy or even to be petted. Amazingly, this seems to have worked the proper change in her. I still don't trust her to be alone with the kids, I have to supervise constantly, but she seems to have figured out that she's at the bottom of our pecking order in this pack. Everyone is dominant to her and she seems fine with that. I can only imagine that as time goes by and we continue to work on her training she will bloom into an exceptionally wonderful dog.

I got lucky... at the shelter!

This is Daisy a lovely dog we adopted from the shelter on Friday, June 4. We were told that she's two and a half years old and that she was a Labrador Retriever possibly mixed with beagle. I took her to the vet this morning for her checkup and shots and the vet told me that this dog was 100% Labrador Retriever, not a mix. Imagine my surprise! I did not expect to find a purebred dog at the shelter. Of course, even if she was a Heinz 57 dog I would still be so happy with our find. Now, part of this personality she has may be due to being spayed just on Thursday. It's possible that some of the drugs they used are still circulating through her system. However, I really remember her being this way at the shelter when we first met her so I'm really hoping that this is just her sweet nature.

Daisy is in need of some obedience training but she is so eager to learn. She really wants to please us and does her best to understand what "sit" and "down" mean. She is crate-trained, house-trained and just wants as much love from people as she can get. Somehow though, she knows that Doug is the type of person who loves to get smothered in doggie kisses yet I don't. Although she has mouthed Doug (with a very soft touch) she hasn't even tried that on me. She doesn't seem to bark as we haven't heard her make one yet. She is very sedate and gentle around the children and tolerates all their crazy, giddy behavior. I never expected that I would find this type of personality in such a young dog and one who was in a shelter. I can honestly say that I love this dog and, although I'll always be a crazy cat lady, I'm completely nuts over this girl.

Right now we're just working on getting her to feel more comfortable with all the changes that have occurred in her life this week. She was surrendered to the shelter last Saturday (the same day we went there!), had major surgery on Thursday, was brought to a new home with new people on Friday and, then, she was hit with a ton of vaccinations on Saturday. I'm hoping that as she gets more comfortable with us, and recovers more from her surgery, the need to pee every two hours or so will get scaled back to a more normal frequency. The vet tested for diabetes and she was normal so the vet thinks she will be fine in just a few days. In the meantime, it's like having a new baby in the house - Doug and I aren't getting much sleep! However, it truly does seem worth it already. Just having a sweet dog to take for walks and to have fall asleep next to me while I stroke her head and ears is so wonderful.