Yes, that's my resolution - 2011 is not going to suck big hairy elephant balls. 2010 wasn't a complete loss but at times it seemed that the darkness would suffocate any sparks of goodness and light I was experiencing in my life. So, here's my summary of the year and I'll end with what I hope to see happening in the next twelve months of my life.
2010 was a year of loss. One of my closest friends in high school lost his battle with lung cancer in the beginning of the year. We had lost touch over the years and I actually felt a great deal of anger towards him in the years between high school and this year. However, due to Facebook, I managed to reconnect with him and, thus, let go of some of that bitterness before it was too late. In addition, I had the closure I needed by going to his memorial service in August. I miss Dave and I can't imagine how his family is going on without him.
Shortly after Dave passed away a college friend of mine died from a brain aneurysm. I was not very close to Will but we had classes together, worked at the college radio station and occasionally had a beer together at one of the downtown bars. One of my clearest (yet most mortifying) memories of him was when he and his band were performing at one of my favorite college bars. He saw me in the audience, convinced his band mates to play a Led Zeppelin (one of my favorite bands at the time) song and yanked me up on the stage to sing. I croaked out a few words before I ran off stage and tried to blend back into the crowd. We definitely lost touch after college but he is definitely part of my history and it was shocking to hear of his death via Facebook.
I lost another dear friend this year - my dog Molly. She was a tough dog to love and care for but she was so full of love and warmth that it helped me to overlook her many shortcomings. She taught me what it meant to be loved by a dog and it was wonderful to have her by my side as we hiked through the woods. One of my fondest memories is of us running down a trail together and leaping over a fallen log, both of us with the biggest grins on our faces.
I have had many moments of despair this year. The pain, exhaustion and sleep deprivation have been crippling at times yet I don't have the luxury to take a break from everyday demands to curl up in bed and try to heal. The children must be cared for, the house has to stay somewhat respectable and the animals need me. However, some days it is so hard to just think of what the next step is going to be in getting through the day and then some stress happens to add to the mess - one of the kids needs to go to the doctor, something breaks in the house, someone (child or animal) has a toilet accident, etc. I'm like an alcoholic just trying to get by one day at a time (or even one hour at a time). I'm so frustrated most days with my limitations and I get angry that doctors haven't figured out how to fix me yet. When do I get to start living life again?
On a more positive note, I took control of my health in a way that I could. I lost 25 pounds and went from a size 12 to a size 6 thanks to changes in my diet and increased exercise. I have been sliding on the healthy eating and exercise for the past few months and I'm feeling it in terms of poorer health but I'm still wearing my size 6 clothes and that is something to be proud of. It has increased my self-esteem somewhat and I know that it's good for my health in the long run.
In terms of personal development I didn't do as much writing as I would've liked but I did find an outlet for my creativity this year. It doesn't take up too much of my time and it doesn't involve a lot of cleanup. In addition, sometimes I can do it when the kids are awake. I love to make beaded jewelry. I haven't done much - a bracelet and necklace for my daughter, a bracelet for Joshua's friend, a necklace for mom and an earrings and necklace set for me - but it's a start. I love figuring out what colors to use and then creating a pattern of sorts. The final product always makes me smile.
I also read a lot of good books this past year. I can't remember most of them and, in fact, I could probably easily pick them back up and read them all over again and they'd be like a new book to me. However, the time spent reading was a wonderful outlet for me and I'm grateful that I have this love of books and that it can help me escape now and then.
One of the brightest spots in my life this year was adopting a labrador retriever from the local animal shelter. Daisy is an amazing dog. She's also a pain in the ass at times but she has almost converted me from being a cat person to a dog person. Not quite but I definitely love her to pieces.
I'd like to think I helped people through my online support group for moms with chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. I'm not sure how much it has helped me this year but it's good to know that I'm doing something for others.
Now here's what I'm hoping for in the coming year. Obviously, I'd like an answer to what's wrong with me and I'd like for it to be something that can be fixed. I'm still holding out hope that the upcoming sleep study will provide some valuable information. I was supposed to do the study on December 26 but it got canceled due to the weather. So, I'm rescheduled for January 10 and 11 and I'm still going in there with optimism.
I'd like to find a way to manage my anger more effectively. I'm tired of yelling and losing my temper with the kids and Doug. The kids have learned how to push my buttons way too well.
I would like to discover more about myself this year. What do I want to be now that my limitations seem permanent? How can I still make this life I've been given meaningful and valuable? I need to find a way to have pride in who I am. My soul will not be happy until I can recognize my own worth.
Oh, and I'd like for us to win the lottery so we can stop fretting about money so much.
Happy New Year friends. I hope 2011 doesn't suck for you either.
